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The Problem of Evil

2010-07-02T12:21:00.002-07:00

I'm slowly reading "The Doctrine of Sin and Redemption" by Henri Blocher, and the chapter on the problem of evil (the first chapter, and only one I've read so far) was interesting.

He starts with three biblical principals that lay the foundation for assessing our attempts at answering the problem of evil:

1) Evil is completely, radically, and absolutely bad (or evil). We should never diminish the wickedness of evil or the horror of its effects. God hates evil.

2) God is completely, radically, and absolutely sovereign. We should never minimize his resoluteness in making all things happen, both in the big picture and the smallest details. "Whatever the LORD pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps." (Psalm 135:6 ESV)

3) God is completely, radically, and absolutely good. He is never complicit with evil, nor does he ever approve of it.

Generally, he says, our attempts at resolving the problem of evil reflect some biblical truth as seen in one or two of these three principals, but at the same time minimizing or outright denying the remaining principal(s).

He set forth some of the classic representations of each of these three emphases. The reformed position--God allowed evil to enter into the world because he saw, in his infinite power and wisdom, that His defeat of evil would bring Him more glory than any other possible world He could have created. The free will position--evil entered into the world because man has a completely free will, and man has a free will because ultimately, if his choice of loving God didn't come from his own free agency, it wouldn't be love at all. And lastly, the least common view--that God had to create evil to be complete. Without evil, according to this view, God would be like Hall without Oates, or peanut butter without jelly, or yin without yang...you get the picture. Obviously, this last view can't be held by anyone who adheres to a traditional evangelical set of beliefs because it makes evil a part of God, i.e. God is part evil.

What I appreciated the most about Blocher's position, was that he didn't want to abandon the three very obvious biblical principals that he cited (Evil is absolutely evil, God is absolutely sovereign, and God is absolutely good) for the sake of having a nice, clean, easily resolved doctrine of evil. Instead, he prefers to guard the mystery of the details. After all, the reformed position tends to minimize the pain in suffering and the fact that suffering at the hands of evil men is the result of evil itself, an evil that God hates with a pure hatred, though He remains in control at all times. The free will people tie God's hands just for the sake of keeping theirs free, though the scriptures are replete with examples of the contrary. And obviously, who could dare say that God is in Himself evil, as if it were a necessary part of his existence?

So, I'm resolved to try to look at the world and all of it's wickedness--encountered mostly in my own heart--through the lens of these three biblical principals instead of through the lens of my traditionally reformed doctrine. When I see evil, I can't deny that it is 1) absolutely, positively evil, 2) it is not out of the control of God's sovereign, loving, and protecting hand, and 3) God hates it, and it is absolutely contrary to the perfectly good God I find in the scriptures.

Zombie Evangelism

2010-06-18T06:16:00.004-07:00

The gospel is at the same time much simpler and much more complicated than we make it. When a suicidal prison guard saw the fruit of the gospel in the lives of his prisoners and asked them, "what must I do to be saved?", they said, "believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved." When the Apostle Paul sums up the gospel in 1 Corinthians 15, he basically says, "Christ died for our sins, was buried, then rose again--and a lot of people saw him after." It is a message that doesn't demand a lot from us intellectually.

It's easy to understand.

If you want to know God, believe in Christ's death, burial, and resurrection for your sins. Period. No jumping through hoops or going through red tape to get to heaven--just faith.

But at the same time, the gospel is complicated. We tell people to believe in the Lord Jesus, while all the while knowing that they are incapable of following our advice. The spiritually dead don't respond to spiritual truths, in much the same way that our dead goldfish don't flush themselves down the toilet when we tell them to. In a way, every time we share the gospel, we are doing Zombie Evangelism. I can tell a corpse to get up and walk as many times as I want, but unless life reenters their body, something I'm not able give them, they will remain dead.

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked...." (Ephesians 2:1)

But I think God designed it that way for many reasons. First, when we are powerless to make the dead come to life, He gets all the glory. After all, we try and try to convince people of their lostness and need for Jesus, but they remain stubbornly ignorant. So when God steps in after we have exhausted all our abilities, efforts, and strategies, we have to stand and say, "Lord, you are amazing."

Second, the more we grasp this concept--that we are powerless to convert people--the more we learn to depend on God in our efforts to share the gospel. Notice that I said 'powerless' and not 'helpless.' We are powerless. There is nothing we can do to make someone experience the new birth. But we are not helpless. In fact, the more we see we are powerless, the more we see how much help we have in God. The concept is: a continually diminishing sense of self-sufficiency that is replaced by an increasing awe at the all-sufficiency of God.

Third, as our consciousness of the first two ideas grow, we are freed to share the gospel with more boldness and to share it more frequently. As I realize that dead sinners are brought to life only by the soul resurrecting power of the creator of the universe, I become more confident in my witness. I mean, who is bigger than God. Or more intimidating. I'm the one with all the power behind me. Also, when I see my great need and dependence on God in evangelism, I am free to share it often. After all, the closer I come to God, the more I see how much He loves me, and how He humbled Himself even to the point of dying on the cross in order to give me life. If that is true, everything that matters is already mine and I've got nothing to lose. No amount of persecution or ridicule could ever undo the fact that Christ died to make me, counted among His enemies, on of His own.

Fourth, acknowledging God's sovereignty in evangelism frees us to be a lot less critical of other evangelists. Namely the ones who don't see the complexity of the gospel. This is where I am trying to grow. When Paul was in prison, there were a lot of people who were sharing the gospel just to spite him. Maybe they were sharing in a way that he didn't particularly like, so they took advantage of his imprisonment to prove to him that it could work. Maybe they wanted recognition, and since Paul was the biggest thing around in the church, they used his tribulations to gather their own following. But whatever the case, Paul was just glad they were sharing the gospel. Wow. I want to be like that someday.

So, we can take heart knowing that God uses us to share the gospel for His glory, and that He empowers us to do so by His strength. And because of this we are liberated to be bold and freely share it, and to be encouraged by those who would do it by different means than us.

And at least the people we're sharing with, though they may be the living dead, aren't trying to eat us.

Discerning Love, or, Loving Discernment

2010-04-20T02:00:00.009-07:00

As I've been going through 2 Timothy with the youth from my church, a few subjects have come up over and over. Boldness in sharing the gospel. Patiently enduring suffering. The importance of knowing the scriptures. Repeatedly, Paul talks about these same subjects in different situations and relationships that Timothy finds himself in.

Paul encourages Timothy to boldly face his timidity, reminding him to recall that it is the power of God's Spirit that will face his opponents, and not Timothy's own strength. He urges Timothy to suffer in his labor to preach and teach in the same way that a soldier, an athlete, or a farmer would suffer to accomplish their goals. He also emphasizes the importance of having sound doctrine and knowing the scriptures as he explains how it is that Timothy should confront the false teachers he will find within the church--with scripture and with gentleness.

But this last point, or at least our modern interpretations of it, is a bit of a mystery to me. We often hear people say either, "you've got to share the truth in love, but you still have to love," or, "you've got to share the truth in love, but you still have to share the truth." These statements represent a deeper problem that has come to plague the church, namely that somehow, we've managed to create two mutually exclusive categories--truth and love. Or, as they are often called, head and heart.

How is it that we have come to think that our minds and our hearts can be separated? Are we really supposed to believe that human beings are made up of two different and completely unrelated parts that are constantly fighting for control? Think Knight rider, except Kit and Michael just fight over who gets to drive.

Basically, this is what we experience in the church today. 'Intellectuals' clamoring for the attention and recognition that their high grades and pocket protectors kept them from in school, and 'poets' who are dying to show the world how emotional liberty can free them from the chains and oppression of logic. Too often God is reduced to being either a cold and numb equation or a flighty hippie going around and giving everyone sympathy hugs.

Paul didn't make this distinction, however. He stressed the importance of doctrine and he stressed the importance of love. For him, you couldn't separate the two. They go together. In chapter 2 of 2 Timothy he says, "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth." Timothy is to demonstrate his faithfulness by knowing and rightly understanding the scriptures, and by correcting those who err with that knowledge (v. 15; 4:2). Later in the same chapter Paul says, "And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness." (v. 2:24) Timothy will need to confront and correct people, but he should be gentle as he does it.

So, we see these two ideas which are so commonly, yet mistakenly, set against each other, here working together. Paul wasn't scared of sounding 'heady' or 'intellectual.' And he wasn't scared of being nice to even the greatest of heretics, though he does warn Timothy and Titus to not engage in ongoing controversies with false teachers. That's another post.

But Paul shows us in Philippians that love and knowledge can't be separated, and in fact, they work together. "And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." (Phil 1:9-11)

Four things jump out at me in these verses. First, as I've been saying, love and knowledge cannot be separated. He prays that as their love grows, that their knowledge and application of that knowledge would grow as well. Actually, I prefer to say that their love can't grow unless their knowledge and discernment increase as well.

Second, he says that the desired result of this increase of love/knowledge/discernment is to be able to approve what is excellent. We grow in our capacity to love so that we will be able to tell what is true and what is false. Again, notice that love is leading to an increased ability to think, but not just as an abstract end-in-itself mental strong man competition, but with the goal shepherding. Approving what is excellent is meant to protect the church from following false teachers.

Third, there is an added result from growing in love and knowledge, namely, that when we "approve what is excellent" we prepare ourselves for the day of Judgement. Learning makes us holy, or it should, at least. If the knowledge we are attaining isn't making us holy, or if it's leading us toward blunt criticism (not to be confused with discernment) and bitterness, then it's not real knowledge. After all, 'knowing' renders us "pure and blameless."

Fourth, as love and knowledge grow, resulting in an increased discernment of the truth that purifies us, God is glorified. When we learn true things that cause us to grow in our capacity to love and be holy it is a worship experience. God is praised and glorified. In the church today, some look down on learning as if we won't need our brains when we get to heaven. But heaven won't be a never-ending Passion concert (Passion Infinity) with all of our worship 'heros' leading us in song. It will, however, be an eternity of using all our gifts, talents, knowledge, etc. to continually increase our understanding of--and therefore worship of--Jesus. That's right, eternity will be a perpetual study on the infinite everything of our Savior, and we will never run out of fresh reasons to give Him worship. So, this life is sort of like practice. We train ourselves now for what we will be doing for eternity--using every faculty to worship Christ forever.

The Rare Wisdom of (First) Kings

2010-02-28T13:41:00.004-07:00

More and more I am disappointed by politicians and world leaders. Martin Luther was also really disappointed by the way "christian" rulers led their kingdoms. He always remembered that all people are no-good-rotten liars--even the best of us. This is what he said about the subject (my translation from French):

"The Prince should look after his subjects and do it with all his heart. This is what he does while he turns all of his thoughts toward how he can be useful to them and serve them, and not think like this: the country and and people belong to me, I will do whatever pleases me. But on the contrary: I belong to the country and to the people and I have a duty to do what is useful and good for them. I shouldn't seek how I might raise myself up and dominate them, but how they could be given shelter and protected in peace. You might say: Who would still want to be a Prince? Because with principles and duties like these the Prince would be the most miserable person on the earth, and would count on hardships, difficulties, and displeasure! What would become, then, of the royal entertainment, of dances, of hunting, gaming, and other mundane pleasures?"

Then just tonight I read Solomon's request for wisdom from God (1 Kings 4:8-10):

"'And now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant King in place of David my father, although I am but a little child. I do not know how to go out or come in. And your servant is in the midst of your people whom you have chosen, a great people, too many to be numbered or counted for multitude. Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, that I may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people?'

It pleased the Lord that Solomon had asked this."

If only every ruler had this same humility and desire to govern his people well!

Piper on Knowing Jesus

2009-12-22T07:36:00.004-07:00

In Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ, John Piper talks about a few ways we can learn who Jesus is. The first is by rigorous, painstaking, academic study. But this takes a long time as well as great devotion, not to mention the mental faculties to read and research the subject through the writings and findings of people who are a lot smarter than us (and try to prove it by making their writings completely unintelligible to the normal reader). He notes that there must be another way, since, "it would seem strange if God revealed himself in his Son Jesus Christ and inspired the record of that revelation in the Bible, but did not provide a way for ordinary people to know it."

The second, more universally accessible way, is through self-authenticating, divine truth, as he calls it. Piper basically claims that there is something about Jesus--his attitudes, thoughts, actions--in scripture that causes us to know who he was and is, without having had to learn it. He says, "it is like seeing the sun and knowing that it is light and not dark, or like tasting honey and knowing that it is sweet and not sour. There is no long chain of reasoning from premises to conclusions. There is a direct apprehension that this person is true and his glory is the glory of God."

Of course, many people read the Gospels and never believe. There are theologically liberal seminaries full of experts on these biographical accounts, yet these experts believe them to be but fables. Yes, the words and works of Jesus were and are self-authenticating, but it is a spiritual business to believe, and the Holy Spirit must open our eyes to see and experience what is real. This enabling to see reality for what it really is is quite important, because salvation doesn't depend on having correct doctrine.

Imagine that you were born blind, and that people had always lied to you and said the sky was yellow. If one day, some sympathetic person told you that everyone had lied to you, and that, in fact, the sky was blue, and for whatever reason you believed them over all the others, you still wouldn't really know what color the sky is until you saw it for yourself. After all, there are many people who confess with their lips that Jesus is the Son of God, but who don't know he is the Son of God. Knowing this truth means more than just saying the right proposition, it means that the Spirit of God has opened your eyes to SEE that He is the Son of God.

The War of the Words

2009-12-20T15:17:00.002-07:00

Tonight I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, thinking a bit about my life. Oddly enough, I often think in three different languages when I can't sleep. My mind wanders endlessy through my past experiences, my hopes for the future, and random scenarios where I am a super-hero. And all in English, Spanish, or French. But one thing I have noticed is that I feel completely different when I speak Spanish than when I speak French.

When I speak Spanish, I feel like my heart is connected to my words. I feel what I say, and I say (or try to say) what I feel. Unfortunately, that process takes a lot of effort. The ability to speak Spanish comes at great effort, even when I was living in Spain. I was constantly thinking--conjugating verbs, using new vocabulary, seeing every word written down in my mind before it left my mouth. Sort of like a computer.

But when I speak French, it's completely different. I feel so unattached, that often I begin speaking and don't realize that I've started to say something that is too complicated to finish. So, I'll jump in on a conversation without hesitating, but will end up not finishing my phrase, or having to say it two or three times to get my point across. I don't feel like I accurately communicate my emotions in French.

My question is this: Does not feeling as connected to French automatically mean that I speak better Spanish? That's what I thought at first, but now I think differently. While I was in Spain, I remember thinking that I felt more Latino than American. I fit in better with my spanish speaking friends than I did with the Americans. I felt new avenues of communication, the emotive ones, in particular, open up, and I ran through them. The result was that when I didn't feel those same things while starting to learn French, I assumed that I didn't like French as much. Makes sense, right?

Oh, but language learning is a very complicated process, and one that involves every part of the human being--soul, body, and spirit. When I started learning French, I had something under my belt that I didn't have when I started Spanish, that is the experience of having already learned a foreign language. When I began Spanish, everything was new to me. Every word was vibrant and full of meaning, and each new phrase gave me a new, fuller understanding of reality. But when I started French, I had already experienced that process. Now that I was learning a third language, the words weren't as fresh, and the phrases were a lot less meaningful. I had romanticized Spanish in a way that I couldn't do with French. It would have been dishonest. Like going on a date with a girl and pretending that she didn't have problems like every other girl you've dated. Entering into French with another language learning experience behind me left me unimpressed, not that it isn't a beautiful language, but after all it is just a language like all others.

Second, French resembles English a great deal. And, in fact, I am just beginning to learn how much of the english language is borrowed from French. What this means is that I don't have to think nearly as hard to understand and speak French as I do Spanish. The sentence structure and words are close enough that most of the time I can take an older English word (one that is old enough that most English speaking people wouldn't recognize it) and Frenchify it in order to say what I want. Think King James Audio Bible read by Pepe Le Pew. The easier it is to speak, the less I have to think.

My last thought is really a combination of the previous two. Which language is more natural to me? Spanish, where I FEEL like I can communicate more clearly because of the effort I put into speaking, or, French, which is so close to my native tongue that I speak without thinking? If I were backed up into a corner I would say both, mostly because I really love Spanish, but in reality I think the answer would have to be French. I mean, how many of us think before we speak in our native language? How many of us say, "I really put my foot in my mouth" and feel the weight of those words because we are so concentrated on understanding the grammar of the sentence? None of us. That just means, "I said something stupid," or, "I shouldn't have said that." When looked at in this light, French is a much more natural language for me.

In Spain, I felt like I found a new aspect of 'me,' through learning the language. Here in France, I am learning that I'm the same old Mike Gorski, I just speak a little bit of a few extra languages. And my English is getting worse.

2009-08-16T12:13:00.004-07:00

So I was just thinking about how learning a language relates to sharing the gospel with people in another country. Of course, there are the arguments about learning the heart language of the people you want to reach, and tons of christian language aquisition materials saying that the language is the key to understanding a culture--if you master the language, then you give yourself the greatest opportunity to effectively share the truth of the Gospel.

And I am in agreement with these statements 100%. But then there is the objection that the real work of missions is spiritual. It's isn't learning grammar, vocabulary, pronunciation, and phrases that we need to be doing, but reading the Bible and praying. We need to be spending more time "praying people into the kingdom," as it has been said. I know of some whose practice of missions is basically to set up a community that worships God, and as the people around them see their worship, they will turn from their sin and to Jesus. I also agree with this objection, but not in the sense that is implied.

Why? Because of Romans 10:13-17 and 18-21.

In the first set of verses I see a focus on 'hearing,' and that is physical hearing. It starts with the statement, "for 'everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'" Then, it describes, in a way, the reverse of the process that leads to calling on the name of the Lord and being saved. And at the beginning of that regression is hearing. Verse 17, "for Isaiah says, 'Lord, who has believed what he has heard from us?' So faith comes by hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." In order for someone to come to a saving knowledge of Christ, they must hear the words of the gospel.

This is a very physical process that involves hearing certain phrases, propositions, and ideas, and responds to the truth of these statements with faith. Contrary to St. Francis of Assisi's famous quote--"share the gospel at all times, and when necessary use words"--there is no gospel without words. That is where missions and language learning converge in obedience to God's word. A person cannot be saved without hearing the Good News in a language they can understand. We must 'hear' in order to 'call on the name of the Lord.'

This applies for evangelism within our own culture as well. I can't use the same words when speaking with a 90 year old as I can with a teenager. Just this afternoon, Valérie's mother was reading a magazine and she turned to ask, "What does 'bling-bling' mean?" One way that the church in America needs to grow is in sharing the gospel in a way that the hearer doesn't need to be a Christian to understand. Words like 'justification' are rich with meaning for a believer (or should be, at least), but to someone who has never read the Bible or been to a church, the word means something different altogether. We need to be more intentional about learning to share the message in a way that overcomes physical linguistic barriers to the gospel.

So, at least in one sense, missions is very physical.

But in what way is the work of missions spiritual? Enter verses 18-17.

¹⁸But I ask, have they not heard? Indeed they have, for

   "Their voice has gone out to all the earth,
   and their words to the ends of the world."
¹⁹But I ask, did Israel not understand? First Moses says,

   "I will make you jealous of those who are not a nation;
   with a foolish nation I will make you angry."
²⁰Then Isaiah is so bold as to say,

   "I have been found by those who did not seek me;
   I have shown myself to those who did not ask for me."
²¹But of Israel he says, "All day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and contrary people."

Verses 18-20 show that just because people hear the gospel, that doesn't mean they will believe it and, "call upon the name of the Lord." Paul says of Israel, "have they not heard? Indeed they have, for '...their words have gone out to the end of the world.'" The nation of Israel had been hearing God's truth throughout their entire history, yet they were still unbelieving. Verse 21, "but of Israel he says, 'all day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and contrary people.'" They were hearing, but not believing. We need something to carry us from simple, physical hearing to mysterious, spiritual believing.

That something is the Holy Spirit, and the answer to the question, "in what way is the work of missions spiritual?"

THE SPIRITUAL WORK OF MISSIONS IS FIRST AND FOREMOST GOD'S WORK. Now, when I say this I don't mean it in a general sense. I mean that when people hear the gospel and respond to it in belief, it is solely the work of God's spirit in election. That is the spiritual aspect of missions. Verse 20, "...I have shown myself to those who did not ask for me." It is God, and God alone, who can bring a dead soul to life. We are all rebellious, independent, and uninterested in finding Him, but He shows Himself to those who did not ask for him.

What are the effects of this spirituality on missions? First, I have made it sound a bit like the practical and spiritual aspects of missions are completely independent of and unrelated to each other, but they are not. We must do our best to learn the language where we are, but we have to remember that our 'success' does not depend on our level of fluency, but on the work of God's spirit. Yes, we should have the goal of mastering the language, but the Holy Spirit is powerful enough to speak through the most broken Spanish/French/German/Arabic and change the heart of the most broken sinner. That brings real freedom to a missionary's work.

Second, this should bring us to depend more on God when faced with a lack of response to hearing the gospel. Discouragement is a daily, if not hourly presence in the life of anyone in ministry, so this should drive us to the Lord. The very things that are mistaken for the 'spiritual' work of missions--reading, praying, studying--should be the response of missionaries whose only hope is for God to work. There is only one encouraging place to be when you feel like a failure, and that is in God's word and in Prayer.

Third, this frees us to see that our job as missionaries isn't to save people, but to sow the seed of the gospel and watch God save people. Like Paul says in 2 Timothy 2:10, "I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory." We can be bold and spread the seed everywhere possible, but without the pressure of trying to make it grow ourselves. As one friend of mine once said, "I want to cast my net as wide as possible so that I can find the few fish I catch."

Again, I'm not trying to lessen the importance of prayer in ministry, it's just that I'm trying to see it in it's proper place, as best I understand in God's word. If what I'm saying is true, then it should drive us to pray more and more, not less. Anyway, I'm tired so I'll have to finish these thoughts another day. Good night.

Relationships

2009-03-03T14:05:00.004-07:00

So I need to clarify something from my last post--my wife is awesome. And I'm sorry that she doesn't exactly look awesome as portrayed by my previous post. Know that this is not a confession. A confession is something you give after doing something wrong. I don't need to confess, because I've never felt that my wife is anything other than awesome. The only thing I'm guilty of is bad writing that didn't accurately communicate what I wanted to. Anyway, I'm sorry.

I'm sure you remember my description of marriage, the words that every good Christian couple read right before feeling a profound nauseous shudder--"It's hard, but it's great." For most people, the word 'hard' conjures up ideas of suffering and pain and guilt and regret. The definition that I had in mind was something more like: "Not easy, in the sense of requiring genuine effort." Actually, I wanted to just write, "Not easy," but I'm pretty sure I would have faced the same fallout as the last post.

In rewriting that section, I would say, "Relationships are hard, but they're great. And the deeper the relationship, the harder it is. But the more effort you apply, the greater the reward." And keep in mind my definition of 'hard.'

Every interpersonal interaction we have every day is in fact a relationship. But the shorter the interaction, and the more superficial your knowledge of each other is, the more likely it is to continue without conflict. For example, my relationship with the cashier at our local supermarket is great. We've never disagreed about anything. Ever. We exchange our obligatory "Bonjour," she checks my food items (usually apples for Valérie and cookies for me), I give her money, and we say our obligatory "Au revoir." That's it.

But it's only that easy because of how lame it is. If I really cared at all about her, I would invite her to eat dinner with Valérie and I, and after she left we would both give a huge sigh of relief and say to each other, "She's got problems," or, "She is SO annoying," or, "Do you think she is on drugs?"

Now, increase the level of intimacy to solid friendship, or even further, to marriage, and you have multiplied the complexity and delicacy of the relationship by a million. I don't have to do a whole lot to convince the cashier that I'm a nice person, but my wife and my closest friends have seen me be a complete jerk. The likelihood of hurting the cashier's feelings is a lot lower than that of hurting my friends' feelings. And I'm a lot more likely to say or do something that upsets my wife than my friends, and it's not as though my wife is overly sensitive. In all reality, I'm the super sensitive one who takes everything way too seriously. Anyway, the closer the relationship, the more maintenance it needs.

This is because there is more at stake. We've got more to lose should this close relationship turn sour. So I say something stupid to the cashier and she thinks I'm an idiot. Big deal. Our entire interpersonal world is built on saying "hello" and "goodbye" to each other, and that's only because we're expected to be polite. So I'm having a bad day and I'm rude to her even though I know it's wrong. In the long run, who cares what she thinks about me? I don't have to prove anything to her.

But the deeper the relationship, the more we've got to prove, or at least that's how it feels. I guess it is unfortunate that we think of it that way. We spend all this time and effort to get close to people, earning the right to be comfortable being ourselves around them, and when we get there, we find out that it's not true. We can't be ourselves, because we are the problem laden annoying drug addict cashiers that we can't stand. And it is only in these relationships that we come to this hard realization.

The shocking revelation that we are complete losers is accompanied by a call to vulnerability. It isn't enough that through relationships we come to see our own faults, but God doesn't want us to cover them up. This goes against everything in our nature. Everything about our world seems to revolve around saving face or making ourselves look better than we actually are. When I see pictures of smiling celebrities I think about how much their life must suck. It must be awful to wake up with a huge zit on your face and know that you can't leave the house without covering it up because millions of teenage girls' hopes and dreams and ideas about beauty depend on your pretending to be perfect. There really isn't any difference between that and Adam and Eve covering up their mistake with a fig leaf.

But why does God want us to be vulnerable? First, because only when we're honest and vulnerable with Him does He get all the glory He deserves. To the extent that we try to make ourselves look good to God, we steal the glory of His victory over sin. Second, because only when we are vulnerable with God do we begin to realize how truly great our salvation is. As I begin to understand how terrible a person I really am, the good news that God's mercy and grace are infinitely greater than my sin increasingly looks like "Good News." Third, God wants all of our human relationships to reflect the first two reasons I gave. In relationships, this means that when I cover up my sin I'm actually stopping my friend, wife, etc., from seeing the worth of God and the magnitude of His love for them.

Depression and Marriage

2009-02-28T15:04:00.003-07:00

Lately I've been feeling pretty depressed. I don't mean like indie-rocker write songs about how much the world sucks-depressed, but more like a general feeling that God and the world are out to get me and that in response I should stay in bed all day. I mean, what's the point if I'm just going to be disappointed all day anyway. Of course, this isn't a possibility because I'm married and my wife would never allow it, but nevertheless that's how I've felt.

Actually, my wife is the one who made me feel guilty about being depressed. She didn't say anything like, "Get your lazy @$$ out of bed!", in fact, she didn't really say or do anything. She understands that it is part of life, and especially when you are adjusting to a new country. What made me feel guilty was that as the days passed and my sulking increased, Valérie started to feel the same way. The more I became quiet and withdrawn, the more sullen and hopeless she felt. Of course, she would never use the word hopeless. It's too extreme for her. But she started to see everything turning black along with me.

I just finished a facebook chat with a teenager here in the village. He asked me what marriage is like and if I had any advice for him. Online chatting is hardly a medium worthy of such a sacred topic, but I wrote back, saying "It's hard, but it's great." He was confused by this. "What do you mean, 'hard'?"

Only since I've been married have I begun to see the depths of my sin and selfishness. Everyday there is some small revelation about how I'm failing to die for my wife. After all, the apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives, giving themselves up for her as Christ did for His church. I'm part of Christ's bride, the church, and everyday I act like I'm the most important person in the world. And what does Jesus do? He pays for my sin. No matter what. There is nothing I can do or say that His blood can't cover.

It's this same selfless love that God teaches us through marriage. When she doesn't want to go for a walk because "there's a lion in the streets," or leaves the cap off the toothpaste, or seemingly complains about everything (which I'm slowly learning is part of being French), God is giving me an opportunity to love her and give myself up for her--to overlook her sins the way God overlooks mine. Sadly, I usually hold it against her and grumble about in my mind, but I'm learning. When you're single, there is a real freedom to sin that isn't there when you're married. As a single, you can take refuge in the fact that nobody really knows you. It's pretty easy to keep the facade and portray yourself to the world as you want to be seen. But when it comes to your husband or wife, you're naked. Every blemish is visible.

What does this mean for me as a husband? It means that when I see all of Valérie's imperfections and shortcomings, I have a choice to make. I can either focus on those blemishes until they are all I can see of her, or I can be like Christ and see her as she should be, as she will be. This is very difficult. The more I can criticize her faults the more I can convince myself that I'm good, or at least better than her. But God designed marriage to show me my utter failure in loving my wife, because that's how we learn about His love.

So, Valérie, I'm sorry that you have to suffer, but I hope you are learning as much as I am.

Valérie is Pregnant, or, I Knocked Up My Wife

2009-02-13T17:45:00.006-07:00

Just covering all my bases. Email, facebook, and now the blog. Valérie is pregnant, and so by God's grace we will be parents by the end of August. Words can't really describe the roller-coaster of feelings that I've been riding about all of this. I've never felt so out of control and preoccupied for someone's health in my life. And I don't even know the one that is growing in my wife as I write this. But it is also driving me to seek God.

My feeling completely out of control is only compounded by the importance of the situation I find myself in. It's one thing to not understand what the cashier says to you at the grocery store, but to watch a doctor in a medical system that you don't understand hurriedly mumble and point at things in a fuzzy picture that you don't understand, and all of this in a language that you don't understand, is a lot more stressful. Sometimes my stomach hurts because of it all.

Right before Christmas Valérie had to go to the emergency room for something about the baby. Here is part of a journal entry I wrote while waiting for her: "Right now I can only find comfort in God Himself. In His love, His sovereignty, His character. I know the God who created the universe, in all his power and majesty, yet here my only resort is begging. I've got no eloquent prayers or reasons why He should be merciful; just begging. 'Please, God. Please.' It's my heart's cry."

It's stressful, and I imagine that won't ever change, no matter where I live, but I'm thankful that it all points to something bigger than myself, and that it's all heading somewhere. I trust Him. We humans are a hopeless cause in ourselves, but in Him we have everything. And that's enough.

Stories Part I

2009-01-27T20:48:00.009-07:00

Stories are something that I really enjoy. I don't know why. And the closer they get to being unbelievable, the better. Forget the ones about having to pee in the woods because you were camping. After all, everyone's done that. But tell me more tales about my Grandpa evading the police. Tell me them all, and tell them to me over and over again. I love 'em. But why?

Stories scratch the age old itch of communication. They connect us to other people and other times, and even other worlds. They give us messages in a way that is both informative and normative. That is to say, it gives us practical examples of how we should live, and why we should live that way, or how we shouldn't live and why we shouldn't live that way. When I think about the best books I've read, they have been the ones that made me 'experience' whatever it was that the characters were experiencing. When the characters were tempted, I felt the temptation, and when they reaped the fruit of their actions, I felt the stinging consequences, and therefore understood the error of their ways and changed my life and made decisions accordingly.

However, in this current period of human history, stories and myth are shunned for 'facts' and information. The Enlightenment and the resulting victory of Reason over human experience has left us with few sources of truth and beauty. We can only believe what dull textbooks and boring geniuses tell us, and our only justification is that they are smarter than us. The average person can no longer trust his feelings and justifications regarding what is Beautiful, he has to double-check it with the definition of beauty that comes down to us from the ivory towers of the critics. Even in the Church, especially my beloved Reformed churches, stories have been abandoned for point by point logic, as if the Apostle Paul were a robot and not a man.

This is a mistake because we as humans don't live in a world of abstractions and theories. We live in the real world--one of flesh and bone and tears and sweat and blood and sin and broken relationships. For the past 150 years we have heard about the progress of mankind, and how science and knowledge is directing us toward a better life. But we haven't seen increases in the quality of life, just the quantity. Sure, we live longer and are more comfortable than ever, but that just means we have more time to hurt each other. There as many wars today as there were then. It's obvious that this method of communication isn't sufficient by itself. Alright, enough science bashing for today. I'm just a little prejudiced, but trying to remain objective.

That's where stories come in. They take all the abstractions and theories, and give them hands and feet, flesh and bone. Instead of just reading the book of Romans in the New Testament, filled as it is with tight arguments, we can see that theory worked out in Paul's life. They are complementary. We read a commandment and know that we should obey it, but when we can read stories about what happens to people who disobey, or the pain God feels when we disobey, we have a more human reason and desire to obey. It's like 3-d morality.

For example, the Hebrews taught their children to say something called the Shema every day. It was something like, "Hear O Israel, the LORD your God is one." It was a commandment that they teach it to their children, just it was commanded that they teach the law to the next generation. But, these mandates were always accompanied by stories. Why should you believe that the LORD is one, or not worship idols? Because He is the only God who could send the plagues down on Egypt, lead the Hebrews out of slavery and through the Red Sea as if it were dry land. Only the true and living God, the God of the Bible, could lead his people through the desert forty years and provide for them miraculously. Only He could drive out the nations before them as they headed toward Canaan.

And so it was these commandments, coupled with the stories that reinforced why they were trustworthy commandments, that have given all of us a reason to keep believing, even in the face of trials and persecution. So don't be like so many Christians today who say, "the Old Testament was for the Jews and the New Testament is for us." Learn about who your God is and how His power, mercy, correction, and love have guided His people since the beginning of time. Read the Old Testament and remember that God still moves teenage boys to slay giants, and closes the mouths of lions--be they physical, spiritual, or emotional.

Hear, O Christians! You who are the children of Abraham by faith: The LORD your God is one. He wants to do great things with your life, and he wants you to tell His stories and give hope to the world.

Just in case...

2009-01-26T00:32:00.002-07:00

...you were wondering where the title for my "Books! Check 'em out!" post came from. It sounds a lot like Sir Mixalot's voice. I guess "Baby Got Back" wasn't his only contribution to society.

"Fellas, Fellas, has your girlfriend the books?"

Pictures

2009-01-20T15:27:00.002-07:00

Here are some pictures from the past few months.

Vancouver, Canada. I can't even mimic a stupid bear. Idiot!!

Los Angeles sucks on the whole, but the beach was cool.

A Tyrannosaurus Rex trying to eat my wife. Soon after, I regulated. If you think he looks bad in the picture, you should see him now.

San Francisco. I got my Visa and spent a day in a really cool city. And ate with Roland Cabral, Sheila Brown's brother.

Brugges, Belgium. It's pretty.

Books! Check 'Em Out!

2009-01-20T14:35:00.002-07:00

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep. Most nights I lay down only to stare at the dark ceiling, a million thoughts running through my head at a million miles per hour. It's pretty frustrating. I finally fall asleep somewhere around one or two o'clock every morning, but I'm tired all day and can't think as clearly. Some good points are that I've been able to catch up on some long overdue phone calls. I've had a lot of good conversations that remind me that God has blessed me beyond what I deserve in my friends and family.

Don't worry, I'll get to those questions from Psalm 78 soon enough, but I need a little more time to better shape my thoughts. For now, I'd like to write about a few books I'm currently reading. The first is The Reason for God by Tim Keller. He is the pastor of a presbyterian church in New York city, a tremendous preacher, and an equally talented writer. The book is really philosophical, but completely accessible. He is able to write about complicated things in layman's terms, which makes it a lot easier to follow. And, in my opinion, that much more useful for the church. But his book isn't meant to be "Christian", at least in the sense of just being for christians. Instead, it is a book for skeptics, addressing the most common objections that he has encountered during his time in New York City.

I'm not very far into the book, just a few chapters, but it is amazing. Thanks go out to my friend who gave it to me this summer while I was in Laramie. He really reminds me of C.S. Lewis, which makes sense since Keller himself says that there isn't a chapter he's written or sermon he's preached that doesn't borrow from Lewis. I hope this book finds its way into the hands of many honest skeptics. People who really care about truth and are willing to question and test their own beliefs, not just secular fundamentalists. After all, we're all religious when it comes to our most basic and foundational beliefs, right?

Normally, I'm skeptical of these types of books because christians tend to use them as ammunition against their neighbors and classmates without really understanding what they read. I think that in order to worship God rightly, we need to understand him, or at least the little that he has revealed to us in his word. Or better put--begin to understand. He is complicated and beautiful enough that even an eternity of revelation won't exhaust our thirst and hunger to know him. But I'm not elitist about the academic aspect of christianity either, though I used to be. Fortunately, as time has gone on, I've learned that I'm not nearly as smart as I once thought, and that it isn't nearly as important to God as I had originally thought. Loading your Gospel Gun with skeptic-atheist-agnostic killing silver bullets isn't what God is after, but he does want you to learn about him. That's why I recommend Keller's book, and would recommend it to any truth-seeking, honest person I know.

Also, I'm reading N.T. Wright's Simply Christian. Like Keller's book, it's written for those outside of the faith, and more particularly, those who know nothing about Biblical Christianity. No christianese. No alter calls. His premise reminds me of how I tell people why I became a christian and not a Jew, Buddhist, or Muslim--when I read the Bible, the world started to make sense. Evil. Sin. The complexity of nature. The fact that even the 'purest' of us think the most unimaginable thoughts. The entire human experience was explained. And not like a "Get Saved!" baptist handbook, but like a collection of books from different genres and time periods that make a 3-d image of life. Where it came from, where it's going, why it sucks, how it will be fixed, and what that means now. Not just for me, but for the whole world.

Wright starts the book by reminding us that everyone is born with a longing for justice, and that we live as if we'd just woken up from a vivid dream. We can't remember what exactly the dream was, but it's effect and message remain with us nonetheless. In that way, every person has the knowledge of the Creator, even if they don't remember how they got it.

N.T. Wright has some unorthodox beliefs regarding the specifics of salvation, and is a proponent of the New Perspective on Paul (maybe even the first?), but as far as I can tell, the book is neutral and unaffected by these beliefs. As Wright says in the introduction, he means the book to be a basic guide, not to what christians believe, but to the questions that all humans should ask about their existence, and how the Bible addresses all those questions. It's great so far, and I would recommend it as well.

Caribbean Queen

2009-01-09T15:38:00.003-07:00

If any of you were wondering what it's like to be married to a West Indian girl, just watch this and listen to the lyrics.

Right now my Caribbean Queen is sleeping on our folded out futon because she's sick. I

think I'll join her.

Psalm 78

2009-01-08T04:50:00.005-07:00

My friend Brian is a pastor in a small town in Indiana. He wrote about his New Year's resolutions in this post on his blog. Discipline and self-examination are only two of his strengths. Among the others are his physical strength, an inhuman ability to consume chicken wings, and projecting sound at high volumes over long or short distances in either open or confined spaces. This year's resolution:

BE A BETTER DAD AND BLESS THE LORD IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY, ESPECIALLY HIS CHILDREN.

Brian and Betsy have been parents, and good parents, long enough to realize that the goal in disciplining their kids isn't just behavior modification. Many times, he says, he reacts with harsh words (bad) and correction (can be good), but it doesn't seem to work. Actually, it seems to do more damage than anything else. His goal is to have well behaved children, but that is not his ultimate goal. His ultimate goal is to have children who really fear and love God.

Reading Psalm 78 this morning made me think about how to teach obedience to children of any age, including ourselves. Asaph starts out by saying, "Hey, listen up!! I'm going to tell you all something very important!! All the stories our parents told us about the amazing things God did for them and their parents, we should tell them to our kids and the coming generations."

This Psalm is made up of example after example of God's faithfulness and miraculous protection of His people, followed by their failure to follow Him. Seriously, Asaph had to be pretty creative to think of ways to describe how weak they were. "But they rebelled against Him." "And they still rebelled." "Despite all this, they STILL didn't turn their hearts to the Lord." He even mentions when they give lip service to God, just to highlight the fact that they really didn't care. It's a sad history.

Of course, I'm reading this Psalm with a lot more perspective than Asaph or his contemporaries had. He wrote about God's people being stubborn until they were given a good king in David. That was a great way to end a somewhat depressing song, by talking about God's mercy in granting them a godly leader. But even then, we know the rest of the story. Within a few generations they had already strayed again. What a hard headed group.

But here are some questions/observations I had after reading Psalm 78.

First, it's important to share the story of God's provision and protection to the next generation. This means everything found in scripture as well as all the history leading up to today, including our own personal testimonies.

Second, is that knowledge enough to cause obedience? I don't think it is, but it leads to a related third question/observation.

What can we do to encourage obedience without just changing our children's behavior? I don't have kids, but I'm still going to think about it because, if that knowledge isn't enough to make the next generation obey, then it isn't enough for me. So, how do I bring about my own obedience?

And lastly, how do we present the gospel to people in a way that communicates God's desire for obedience AND confronts the human desire to just be a law keeper?

These are all hard questions, and I'm looking forward to thinking about them more and more in the coming weeks. Realizing the effects of growing up in a postmodern culture and living in post-christian Europe have made me think about that last question a lot, but I don't want to swing to extremes the way that I'm often tempted to do.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get back into blogging more this year for a number of reasons, so please feel free to comment, ask questions, dialogue, or offer suggestions. Just remember, I'm not an expert on anything, especially difficult things like life.

This is my resolution...

2009-01-06T11:58:00.003-07:00

It's 7:58 on a cold winter's evening here in Thumeries. The occasional car passes outside, but other than that, the only noises I hear come from the ticking clock that hangs above our futon, and my sleeping wife, who rests just below the clock. Unfortunately, she has come down with a cold and is feeling pretty weak. Fortunately, we have some homemade chicken noodle soup simmering in the kitchen. Hopefully it will give her some relief.

The Christmas season has been an interesting one for me. Though I tried, it was hard to have a good, spiritual, christian Christmas. I wish I had some good excuses, but the sad truth is that this year Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas. For many reasons, it should have been one of my most memorable holidays. It was my first Christmas with Valérie. My first Christmas in France. The first Christmas where I didn't spend time with either my family or someone from my home church. But it wasn't Christmas. It was just another Thursday.

And I kept telling myself, "Mike, it's time to start thinking more about the advent season, to meditate on how and why Christ came to earth," but no motivation. Nothing. I tried to watch Andrew Peterson's "Behold the Lamb of God," a personal Christmas season tradition of mine for the past 3-4 years, but I didn't even watch it through one time. But, why? I still don't have any good answers, except that all of my surroundings were just unfamiliar enough to make me long for the familiar, and familiar enough to not make me desperate to seek God's face. Here in france there are lights up, and sales and Christmas shopping just like in America, but it's still different. No Christmas specials on TV. No egg nog. No frosted sugar cookies. And instead of celebrating on Christmas day, the God intended, they celebrate on Christmas Eve (GASP!!).

But I guess that's the way everything is in life. For some reason, we are only drawn to God when we really need him. When we're sick, or a loved one dies. After a national tragedy like the September 11th attacks, or we get news of cancer. Between these milestones we say goodbye to a real, living dialogue with God and welcome every other idol that comes within arms' length. For me it is comfort and security. Sorry if this sounds like one of those overly spiritual posts that tries to tell you all what bad Christians you are. That's not the point at all. The point is, that even the most Godly among us get distracted and seduced by the everyday.

I'm learning that I live in a perpetual state of making resolutions and being overwhelmed. Telling myself that I'll read the Bible more or pray more, don't actually motivate me to perform. Actually, when I lift up my eyes to see the top of the mountain I've just promised to climb, I am overwhelmed by the fact that its peak is invisible, stretching far above the cloud line. As my jaw drops and I ask myself, "what have I done?", it sinks in that none of my resolutions will ever be fulfilled. Not while I keep throwing out rediculous, out of reach goals that only a genius could keep.

This year, my resolution was to make a schedule that would help me set aside time to accomplish all of the various tasks I want to perform this year. Something that would give me time to study French, study the Bible and pray, read the bible in a year, study theology, play music, and write more. And I'm thinking about starting to slowly teach myself greek.

I have yet to create the schedule, and astonishingly, it hasn't started or finished itself. But I remain hopeful that it will help me make the most of my time in these days. Working on a schedule has never been my strong point, but I'm learning that nothing worth gaining isn't worth working for, and that even those who are the best at what they do have to work hard to get to that point.

So, here I am, another year, another mountain. But this time, I'm making a plan. I'm going to divide the mountain into sections, and take each section until I reach the top. This year I'm not going to raise my eyes to the elusive mountaintop looking for hope and motivation. Instead, I'm going to, "lift my eyes up to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth."

Jet Lag and Bureaucracy

2008-12-03T01:26:00.005-07:00

Wow. It has been a crazy, incredible month. After nine airplanes, four different cities, and two countries, I was definitely ready to sleep in my own bed and see my apartment. Valérie and I are still trying to get over jet lag, but it's going away slowly.

So yesterday we went to Lille, to make an appointment to apply for a residency card here in France. As you know, I got my visa from the French Consulate in San Francisco without any problems, but that didn't give me permission to do anything except stay in France while I apply for my residency card. No social security number, no legal work status, nothing but permission to apply for all of that stuff. In three months we have to go back for our interview, where they will either supply me with a Béret (one of those little flat caps with a mini-ball on top), a pencil thin moustache, and an "I'm smarter than you" smirk, and say, "Welcome to France!!", or they will drug me, throw me into the bottom of a ship with everybody else that they rejected, and sell me into slavery in some French protectorate. Obviously, I want them to grant me residency, but if not I'm hoping they send me to Tahiti.

Anyway, when we made the appointment, the lady was really nice to us. And on our first look at the paperwork, there isn't that much to do, and it doesn't look as difficult as we expected. But still, I'm pretty sure I'll be nervous when we go for the appointment.

And I'll make sure to hide some bread on my person, just in case.

2008-11-12T17:19:00.002-07:00

The last post was about waiting to speak with the French Consulate on the phone, and as you vicariously experienced it through my blog, it was pretty difficult. Eventually, I did talk with someone, and they were pretty helpful. Well, this post comes after actually going to the French Consulate in San Francisco to apply for my visa.

As The W said--Mission Accomplished.

Actually, the experience was rather pleasant, but in the days and hours leading up to it I was scared to death. But, the guy who processed my paperwork was really nice, and we were walking out the door, visa in hand (passport) in about an hour and a half. I don't think my feet were touching the ground.

But, this is only the first step in my process of trying to become a legal, working resident who actually contributes to French society. Right now I've got a visa to stay in France while I apply for a residency card. I'm trying to remember how good and powerful God is. Thankfully, He has given me a good wife (and French citizen) to walk with me in the process.

So, the new news is that as I'm typing this, I'm sitting in my Mom's house in Laramie, Wyoming. This trip home has given me a lot of first experiences. First time in Los Angeles with a bunch of Koreans. First time in San Francisco. First time for Valerie to meet someone from my family. First time back to Laramie as a married man. And, maybe the most astonishing, I went to GreatClips and got a faux hawk this morning. I like it, even if it's the first 'styled' haircut I've ever had in my life.

Well, I better go, but right now I'm reading the the Luke's gospel, and I have been sidetracked and ended up in the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus was an amazing teacher, and His words are so powerful--complex and simple at the same time.

Today I'm thankful for the kisses my wife just gave me.

Waiting...

2008-10-22T14:20:00.002-07:00

So I'm really tired. It seems that moving to a new place, getting married, learning a new language, living in a community (a sweet private apartment within a community), and having everyone in that community trying to figure out who you are and what you're all about seems to do that to you. But being tired isn't that bad of a feeling. No, it's not being able to sleep that is an awful, horrible feeling. And why can't I go to bed right now, where my wife is probably freezing to death without the extra heat that my body provides?

I'm waiting to make a phone call.

That's right, a phone call. And to who, you might ask? The French Consulate in San Francisco. It seems that they don't like answering their phone during the hours that they have set aside, at least theoretically, for doing that very thing. So, I'm calling the number repeatedly so that I can get my paperwork rolling. But it is even more tiring to here the same voices and bad music saying, "We're sorry the voice mail is full...dee dee dee duh dee doo dum dah doooo...this is the visa department, to talk to an officer in the department, press one...dee dee dee..." and so it continues until you hang up and call again, which is exactly what I'm waiting to do right now.

Oh, and yesterday the charger for my computer broke, so my faithful laptop is waiting for a new one. I don't know if it is bad for a computer to sit unused for a long period of time, but that's what is happening to it.

Okay. I'm trying again.

Still busy.

Anyway, things are going really well here so far. I'm learning a lot about a lot of different cultures. French, Korean, English...okay maybe that's all, but it's still quite a bit. Life here is very unique. I'm caught between two different communities/mission agencies who are trying to feel me out and see how I fit in with what they're doing. And the hard truth is that I don't. My main role right now is to be the husband of my wife, who works for one of these agencies, and my main goal is to learn French and start using it to express Christ's love for sinners. But, I have already had opportunities to serve both agencies, and I'm sure that there will be plenty more in the future.

Okay, trying again...

Nope. What is it with this place? Alright, once more then I'm going to bed.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

2008-09-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it to france without any problems, except that I don't know the language here. But that will come with a lot of hard work, time and prayer. Just the other day I decided to go out and try to speak the few things that Valerie had begun to teach me. Sentences like, "Hello, my name is Mike. What's your name? I am American, but I live here in France. I live in the white castle. I learn French from my fiancée Valerie." Armed with my books and freshly learned phrases, I headed outside into the cold just to find myself wandering the streets and being stared at, mostly. I was looking for a place of encounters. A place where people might be relaxing and talking, letting down their guard just enough to let a practically mute American try to practice his french with them. As it turns out, people don't really go out when it's cold outside, which is pretty much year round here in Thumeries. This leads to a few logical conclusions. First, as valerie has pointed out, people around here have a lot of children. I guess if you can't do anything outside because of the rain and cold, then there is only so much you can do inside before you get bored and fall back on one of the few things that humans have always been good at--making babies. Second, when you try to stop and talk with people on the street when it's cold out, they usually aren't too interested in you. And who can blame them with what they're going home to. Third, if you want to talk to people in a cold place, it's best to go somewhere that is not just public, but public and warm.

So, I decided to try my luck in an authentic French Café. I know what you are envisioning...waiters wearing funny hats, every man with a thin little handlebar mustache, beautiful women, couples reading poetry together, someone peeing on the wall outside...but forgot all of that, because that's not at all what it was like. Maybe in Paris, but not here in the village. This is a working man's area, for real men. Entering the café, I sidled up at the bar next to a sharp looking blond guy, clearly on his break from some kind of construction job. Everyone was staring at the foreigner (me), waiting for his next move. It was like a spaghetti western. I was the stranger who had walked into a room full of suspicious and distrustful eyes, and as the camera zoomed in tight on my squinting eyes and those of the bartender, I said "One coffee" in the perfect french that only my fiancée could teach. The tension immediately broke as the bartender said, "Ha! Listen to his accent he's English!" It was obvious that they were talking about me for awhile, and I imagine more obvious that I was a little uncomfortable about it, since I choked and forgot how to say everything else except 'hello', 'thank you', and 'one coffee', so the blond guy smiled and stuck out his hand to shake mine.

I felt so uncomfortable that I decided to retreat back to the castle. Chugging my shot of espresso and stuffing the little complimentary chocolate that came with it, I exited the café, vowing to come back and conquer it another day. It is amazing how much of our well being, or at least our sense of well being, rests in the ability to communicate. Sure, I feel a little uncomfortable in any public place, even in my hometown, but what really made me uncomfortable was not being able to speak. Now I know why babies cry so much--they can't say anything. I'm sure I'll cry a few times these next years while I'm learning to speak too.

I Feel Cool...

2008-08-25T17:48:00.002-07:00

...and a little nervous. As the assistant pastor at my church put it yesterday, "a weird mix of excitement and fear, that sounds about right." Yes, I'm in the airport right now waiting for the plane that will move me to France (pun intended). So right now I feel pretty hip, cool, and technology savvy, because I'm one of the guys who is blogging while in the airport. But I'm kind of nervous because I'm MOVING to France. Wow. Moving. With plans of staying for a long time. Scary as it is, especially for closet Francophobes, I'm really excited about this next phase of my life. Starting a family. Learning a language. Learning a culture. Growing up...a little.

And joining the cool guy group that blogs from the airport. See you in France.

Today, I'm thankful for tomorrow.

Re-entry observations

2008-08-15T09:50:00.002-07:00

I like to watch people. It's been a habit of mine since I started to feel like everyone was always watching me. People are interesting. They do the weirdest things. They wear the weirdest clothes. They each react differently to the same situation. They're fun to watch.

I carried this people watching habit with me to Spain 18 months ago, and at first I was amazed at all the differences from America. Not too long after, Spanish practices began to feel and look normal, and I started to notice that people in Spain are just as weird as in America. But I never thought that America would ever be unfamiliar to me.

So, here are some things that I've had to begin readjusting to while I'm back, even though I'm leaving again in ten days.

While riding from the Philadelphia airport to a friend's house where I stayed my first few days back, I was astonished at the number of Evangelical churches on every block. Coming from a place where not being catholic is equivalent to being in a cult (join us, its bliisss...), it looked like picking a church in america was like deciding which ice cream to buy, or which restaurant to eat in. "Last time we went to the Starbucks on 34th street, but they didn't give me enough foam in my latte, let's try the one across the street today." To say it again, it was really odd to pass 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th Baptist Church of Philadelphia all on the same block. And they are probably all related to one another. As my pastor here in Laramie says, "There are no such thing as Baptist church splits, only church plants."

When I met new people after arriving, they all stood really far away. I felt like my voice hurt from shouting. I knew that they wouldn't be able to decipher the words, but if they could just hear the distant murmur of my voice and understand that I was at least trying to communicate with them across the chasm that separated us, it would be a productive conversation. And meeting a girl was even more shocking. Please, keep in mind that when I went to Spain, I hated people touching me, and wanted them to stand as far away from me as possible. So, upon reentering America, I was completely shocked the first time I was introduced to a new girl and she extended her hand, indicating that she wanted a handshake, and not a kiss on each cheek. It was the most unattractive and manly thing I could imagine a girl doing, outside of giving me a high five or admitting that girls also go number two.

Last, I'll share with you about line etiquette. In Spain, you're lucky if the person working in a store actually helps you when you walk in. You know that God is with you when they just keep talking on the phone with their boyfriend while helping you. But most of the time you wait a few minutes until they semi-shout, "what do you want?" It's sort of like the episode of Seinfeld with the soup Nazi. You're scared to death and after they manhandle you for a few minutes, you exit apologetically with whatever it is you bought. But not so here in America, and especially in Wyoming. I was in Coal Creek Coffee, standing in a good sized line, when the guy behind me started talking to me. What is he doing? Why is he talking to me? I don't even know him. Then I get to the cash register to order, and the girl working starts to chit chat with me. "Please stop! Treat me bad! Swear at me, just don't be nice to me! I only wanted a coffee!!"

Anyway, a little view into the world of someone readjusting to life in a very polite culture after living in Spain. America is awesome and so is Spain, and I'm sure every other culture once you begin to understand where they are coming from.

Today I'm thankful for the ten days that separate me from Valerie. I guess I'm not so much thankful for the days themselves as I am that yesterday there were eleven and tomorrow there will only be nine.

Blessings.

Luv is a Verb

2008-05-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

It's raining. In a place where they are living in a time of drought, that is usually a good thing. But not here, not now. Why? Because I'm selfish and I want to go home and go to bed, but I can't. It's raining and I don't have an umbrella with me. So, I might as well update the old blog and let the world know what has been going through my head. Prepare to have your mind blown.

If you remember, I've been thinking a lot about God's love since arriving here in Spain a little over a year ago (see this post). And little by little, He has been revealing how much He really does love me. This has caused me to change not only how I interact with people, but also how I interact with God Himself. The result--healing in relationships that needed it, deeper intimacy in my fellowship with God, and realizing that even while I'm trying to love people I often have wrong motives. This has made me ask myself what is so special or different about God's love?

I'm beginning to think that the answer is in its simplicity. God loves us. Period. There is no "God loves me because...", or, "God loves me so that I...". He just loves us. Now, I know that it is a little more complicated than this, but bear with me. I'm trying to make a point, not make it look like we are more important and the center of God's universe. God is the center of God's universe, and rightly so--He is the only one of His kind (obviously), and the only one worthy of receiving all of the glory, honor, and praise. He has saved us for "...the praise of HIS glorious grace" (Eph 1:6), and we are just a part of His plan to "...unite all things in HIM, things in heaven and things on earth." (Eph 1:10)

So, back to the subject at hand, the simplicity of God's love. What do I mean by simplicity? I mean that God's love is not tainted by any other motivation than love itself. As I have been learning about God's love, I have necessarily been moved to try and grow in my love toward others. But recently I've noticed that almost all of the time I have some reason why I'm loving whoever it is that I'm trying to love. If it is someone who bugs me, I say to myself, "Self, God wants you to love this person even though they are doing X that bothers you. So, the best way to get this person to change and modify their behavior to make me happy is to love them." I "love" them, and curiously, much of the time they don't change. Is this how God loves me? Is He only interested in manipulating me into obedience?

I think not. Enter Psalm 103.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

God doesn't treat us the way we deserve. In fact, if we are covered by Christ's righteousness, He forgets our sins, He removes them from us. He doesn't look at us the way we actually are, but the way we should be. I try to do this as well, but in my human mind it usually is a matter of potential. I look at someone's sin and say, "I'm not going to treat you according to your sin. I see your potential for good and am willing to do whatever it takes, even hurt you, to help you grow." It sounds noble and good, right? But I don't think it is. God doesn't look at us like a public service project. He isn't a social worker. Yes, He sees our sin, and yes, He wants it to go away, but that doesn't change how He loves us. "As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him."

We are His children and He knows we are weak and fail often. But he still loves us. "He remembers that we are dust." I'm trying to learn to not view people as projects, even as I look at my own life. Especially as I look at my own life. If by some miracle I am becoming more holy, even though God is just loving me as I am, maybe I should be able to trust Him to do the same with others. I don't need to fix them--just love them. God can do the fixing His way. I'm just trying to learn to imitate Him.

Now for the hard part: putting the theory into practice.

God help me, please.

New News

2008-05-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have a girlfriend. Her name is Valerie.

He is speaking to us, we should be listening

2008-03-01T03:39:00.002-07:00

Here is recent journal entry. As you will be able to tell, I have been thinking a lot about creation, and how God is not just telling us that He exists, but that He is a person and wants to be in a relationship with us. Sounds cliché, and probably is, but it is what I have been learning. Here it goes:

God is constantly talking to us. "The heavens declare the glory of God..." psalm 19; "His glory covers all the earth..." some other psalm; "All creation groans..." Romans 8; "If they do not praise me, then the rocks themselves would cry out..." Jesus in the triumphal entry.

The noise of the city is suffocating me. I long to be in Gods )I dont know how to make an apostrophe on this keyboard...or both parentheses) creation, just to hear what He is saying through it. The people here are too caught up in development to listen to it. They are still too young and immature in the process of modernization to have learned that having whatever you want doesnt make you happy. But someday they will.

...When we feel the suns rays beaming down on us, it is gods love that warms us, not the suns heat. When we wake up to a world freshly covered in the white and purity of a snow that only a winters night produces, it is not the cold that sends us a sharp chill, but the recognition of Gods holiness and our sin. The vast expanse of stars and moon remind us of our seeming insignificance, yet their light cuts through the darkness to say, "you are uniquely made, and important." The thunder and lightning of Gods justice and wrath make way for the tears of mercy He sheds, as the rain calls us back to Him and the new life that He offers.

Yes, all creation is proclaiming His praise and inviting us to join in. How I long to feel the touch of the garments with which He clothes the lilies, and sing the praise of His provision along with the sparrows, but for now I will have to settle for the small patch of green that lies in front of this café. The cars and buildings and pollution are screaming with all their might, but the rays of His love warm me amidst the noise. And they will suffice until I can take up a handful of the dark, moist earth in my hand, and, like Thomas, feel and believe.

Sorry for the two month hiatus. Today I am thankful for...eveything.

TestaMints and Soul Surgery

2007-11-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the gaps between posts, but things have been crazy here. But as they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I don't know who "they" are, but I'm hoping that they are right, or else I'm writing this for myself, which still wouldn't be all that bad.

What's new here in Spain? So glad you asked. God is doing a pretty good job at showing me my sin and all its subtleties in deception. It is exactly what I have been praying for, and even though it hurts a lot, I'm thankful for it. As John Hutch preached at my church before I came to Spain, when we see ourselves as small, we necesarily see God as big. Unfortunately, I tend toward the opposite view, seeing myself as big and God as small. When I am the lord of my life, all my problems and frustrations overwhelm me because I can't fix them, and I see God as powerless, trapped in His ivory tower in heaven, unable to come to my help. But when I make a conscious effort to view myself, my life, my problems, etc...in the way that God sees them, He becomes my all powerful Savior, who is with me at all times and working for my good in all things. With this mindset, God is REAL. The way He tells us He is in His word, not the way my sinful flesh tells me He is.

The most difficult part in all this is seeing how deep my sin actually runs. Especially my sin of self-sufficiency. The Lord has been constantly reminding me of how little I depend on His wisdom, guidance, presence, and grace to live my life. I'm so often unsatisfied because I seek satisfaction in God's gifts instead of in Him as the giver. Anyway, I am seeing that sin taints everything I do, and asking God to show me this fact has opened me up the way a medieval torture chamber would...except that God is good. He is doing it surgically, and although it hurts, it is the best thing for me. As Derek Webb puts it in a song of his, "When what is true looks more like a knife, it looks like You're killing me, but You're saving my life."

And so I continue to pray that God would take every ounce of self-love and self-suffieciency out of my life, so that I might love and worship Him above myself. It hurts to watch Him open me up and start taking so much out, but I trust Him to be the Master Surgeon, who is doing exactly what it takes to save my life. As Jesus said, "Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it."

Also, while I was in Marrakech this past weekend (very interesting place, more to come later) we were all joking about how Christians can put a Bible verse on anything and get other Christians to buy it. Take TestaMints, for example. Why should I buy a package of TestaMints when I can buy Certs for a lot less money? And I don't have to drive to the Bible Superstore to get them either. Anyway, my idea was to market Christian deodorant with the slogan--"Let the Gospel be offensive, not your odor!" Throw a verse on there about your life being a sweet smelling sacrifice unto the Lord and you could make millions.

But if you like TestaMints and stuff like that, please don't be offended. I'm glad your breath smells great, it's just that I feel there are better ways for you to spend your money.

I will leave you with a verse from Psalm 70 that I read this weekend.

"Yet I am poor and needy;
come quickly to me, O God.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O LORD, do not delay."
--Psalm 70:5

Amen. And He will come to our aid.

Worldview

2007-10-01T08:41:00.001-07:00

So last week was the last of my Bible classes, and it was very interesting. We were told by our teacher, "Imagine a Martian asks you, 'What is a tree?', what is your definition?" Wondering where he was going with this, everybody scribbled down something along the lines of "a tree is type of plant that has roots, a trunk, branches and leaves." But I couldn't write anything. The same definition came to my mind, but I was prevented from writing anything by a question of my own, namely, "A Martian doesn't know what a tree is, so how is it possible to describe what roots, a trunk, branches, and leaves are?" You could define each of those individual traits, but then how do you define the traits of the traits, and so on until you pass out from thinking too much. Then, our teacher brought in a bunch of shrubs and stuff, and played Martian's Advocate--"Is this a tree? It has roots, a wooden trunk, branches and leaves." When someone in the class would say that it wasn't a tree, the teacher asked why it wasn't. And it's true, our definitions lacked something. They were difintions for people who already knew what trees were.

On top of that, almost everybody drew a picture of the same type of tree, your average apple tree. I've never even seen an apple tree, but that's what I drew. Mine even had apples in it. Of course, Molly drew a palm tree. But I'm sure if they had apple trees at the beach, that's what she would have drawn.

So, what was the point? I'll answer the way my teacher did: "What's the point? Well, you see, a tree is...(bell clanging) well, it's time for your break." Just kidding, there was a real point, but I'm going to connect it to the next section of the course. Each culture has it's own way of looking at the world. When I, being from the West (culturally, not geographically), try to tell someone from the East why I'm going to put my parents in a retirement home (just kidding Mom and Dad), it is like explaining a tree to a Martian. They have no idea what it looks like to not take care of your parents/grandparents yourself. They will never understand it. Unless...

...you can find a way to communicate it to them. The best ways to accomplish this, immerse yourself in their language, culture, etc., until you begin to understand life the way they do. Then you can explain to them why you would abandon your parents in terms they can understand.

Jesus did something like this when he would talk with the religious people of his day. They had their own definition of what sin was, but he didn't correct them by saying that their definition was wrong and give them another definition, he did it through stories and analogies that SHOWED them what sin was. For example, when the rich young ruler told him "I've kept all the commandments since my youth," Jesus said, "This one thing you lack, go and sell all your belongings and give them to the poor." He wasn't telling the rich young ruler to obey THIS law and he would be saved, he was telling the rich young ruler that he hadn't really kept the law in the way he had thought. It is not disobedience that is a sin, but sin causes disobedience. Of course, I've lost all ability to think and write clearly, so it isn't airtight, but you get the picture...Jesus used every means possible to communicate sin as a concept, not just a list of things you shouldn't do.

Anyway, I hope all is well wherever you are.

Today I'm thankful for the renewal that comes from being out of the city for three weeks with a bunch of latinos and God. It was awesome.

Coffee...good. Keep...awake...long time.

2007-09-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I attended the first of what will be three weeks of Bible classes, and it was awesome. Everything was in Spanish and learned a lot. For the first couple of days I understood about 90% of what was said, but that percentage, along with the hours I slept, dropped every day thereafter. Let's just say that I consumed more coffee in the last week than the previous 26 years. Did I mention that I learned a lot, too?

Oh yeah, and there was a pool.

And I played soccer for the second, third, and fourth times in my life.

This afternoon I had an interesting conversation with a very eccentric Jehovah's Witness. I had just told my friend JJ that I was disappointed because I still felt like I can't really communicate who I am in Spanish--you know heart stuff--when this guy approached us and started telling us these crazy "bible" stories. JJ has known him for quite awhile, but I just met him for the first time. It was fun to have a spirited conversation with him in Spanish and I hope to talk with him again sometime.

But I still feel like my spanish needs to improve a butt-load.

Well, it's time to call the Padres (my family, not the baseball team) so I better bid you all farewell.

Today I'm thankful that my Dad sent me his phone number so I can call him. I'm starting to forget some things that I never thougth were possible.

Fashion Faux Pais, Part III

2007-08-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Since my arrival in Spain, I have been compiling a series of observations regarding fashion which I am calling, "Fashion Faux Pais." The first two articles in the series can be found here and here. Interest has been expressed in publishing them as an editorial in Vogue Spain this fall, but I'm not sure if I want to prostitute my observations like that. Here is Part III.

About a month ago, while I was braving the mid-day heat, I saw what appeared to be a wrestling singlet walking down the street. At first, I had serious doubts as to whether or not my eyes were playing tricks on me. I mean, who in their right mind would dare to walk the streets in a singlet? it's just common sense. Strike One. Unfortunately, common sense wasn't the only natural law to be shattered in the moments that followed. On top of that, the person had long hair, and, upon further inspection, was proven to be of the female gender. Strike Two. And thirdly, the singlet was an animal print. Ouch!! Strike Three. Ladies, please refrain from wearing your tiger-striped wrestling singlet in public. You should know better...it's a lose-lose situation.

My second observation doesn't come from any specific event, but is broader in scope. It deals with sexism within street fashion. The heat in Andalucia can be unbearable, and anybody and everybody will do anything to escape it's clutches. Common measures taken by both men and women alike: Staying indoors during the hottest parts of the day, drinking plenty of fluids, walking through department stores that are climate controlled. These are great remedies, but the female has one tremendous advantage over a man. She can take off practically all her clothing without being stared at (in the "you're weird" way, at least), mocked, or judged. I'm certain that I can't say the same for myself. If I walked around Granada as they do, with only 3.7% of my body covered, I would most definitely garner unwanted attention (yes, in the "you're weird" way). And not a few people would be nauseated, if not blinded.

So, I'm calling out the women of Granada by way of protest. Either you start wearing more clothes, or we will start wearing less. Do not be mistaken. These aren't empty threats, and failure to comply will only result in your own personal suffering and that of many innocent tourists. Sometime in the future I will declare a M.A.S.S. (March Against Sexism in Style) manifestation for all men who have had their brows beaten by the merciless sun of inequality around which the fashion industry revolves.

Sweaty men of the world unite!!!

MoroccoMuseMath

2007-08-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

Almost a month between posts. What this proves is that when you don't have as much access to the internet, you use it a lot less frequently. Who would have thought? Anyway, here are a few pictures from this summer.

This is a dead goldfish inside a fountain in the Alhambra.

Chef Chouen, Morocco. Everything is painted blue. Our guide said that it is to keep the flies away. "The blue, it confuses them," he told us. Through some independent research at his child's birthday party, singer-songwriter Shaun Groves agrees.

Chef Chouen, from a distance. We hiked the short distance to a mosque that the Spanish built. It was never used because it was built facing the wrong direction. This picture is taken from that trail.

The bigger white building in the foreground is the tomb of what is basically a Sufi saint. All the small white rectangles surrounding the tomb are the graves of people who are buried near the saint to gain God's favor. They are buried face up and facing East, so that they are ready for the resurrection.

The Laramie river. Not in Spain or Morocco. Wyoming.

Today I'm thankful for catching up on some email, meeting with Feli (one of my language exchanges), and listening to the Mute Math and Muse albums I downloaded yesterday. Music is awesome.

Love, Love, Love

2007-08-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

Quite a while ago, I asked you all a question: How do you know that God loves you? The responses to this question were so underwhelmingly few that I have come to the conclusion that God doesn't love any of you. Just kidding. I received some great responses that were very encouraging. One friend, who is the Pastor of a small church in Hick, Indiana (not the real name), said that he knows of God's love because he has been commisioned to preach the Gospel. Another said that when she sees the moon she knows that God loves her. Someone even sent me a list of fifty, that's right, fifty reasons why she knows that God loves her.

But now you ask me, "Why, Mike Gorski, did you pose this question?" Well, since I know that you have all been losing sleep over it, and your relief is at my disposal, here is my response.

I often question that He does. Very often.

This all came up while I was reading Don Miller's book "Blue Like Jazz" a few months ago. In one of the sentences in one of the paragraphs in one of the chapters, he basically says that you can't love other people until you learn that God loves you. I won't go into all the reasons why I think this is true, but I think it is perfectly accurate. Anyway, I started to think, and ended up asking myself if I believe that God loves me. And the answer? Sort of.

In an abstract sense, I have no doubt that God loves me. For all the reasons people sent me, for the innumerable times it is mentioned in Scripture, I know it's true. But why do I struggle to BELIEVE these truths? Answer--I want to suffer for my sin. I know that I can't pay for my sin, only Christ's blood can do that. I'm not trying to do good works in order to be saved, it is impossible. For that very reason I want to suffer. God has done what no man could--He has taken His enemies, and, through His love, made them His children. But I feel guilty that He ever had to reconcile me to Himself.

Imagine a feast, prepared by a Father for his children. The food is of unmatched quality, but even more important, it is seasoned with a love that has no rival. They all gather to eat, but one of the children refuses to sit at the table with the others. He refuses to eat anything but the scraps that are going to be thrown away. He feels this way because he was adopted, rescued from the worst conditions imaginable, where he had no hope, no dreams, no possibilities. He was already dead, it's just that his body was catching up to the truth. Then, all of a sudden, he was adopted. It was his Father who saved him, and who tenderly summons him to the table at this very moment. The child still refuses to eat. In his eyes, the Father shouldn't have had to rescue him in the first place, and now he feels like a burden. But all of his siblings are adopted as well, and the Father continues to affectionately call him his son and invite him to join in the feast.

His name is Mike Gorski.

God still fervently pursues him.

And His love will never fail.

How Do You Know That God Loves You?

2007-07-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

A question for YOU:

How do you know that God loves you?

Examples.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long, we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8:35-39

Or, "We have asked to see Your face and noticed nothing, but a well-timed, honest smile from a friend."--The Normals

I would love to hear from you all on this, either through comments or emails. Answers can come from anything.

Today I'm thankful for Shandy, which cools me down when it's 108 degrees out at 6pm.

I can't believe I drank the whole thing!

2007-07-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

Actually, I can, because I love anything chocolate.

Before.

During.

After.

Enough said.

And today I'm thankful for the renewal that God brought me through the Granada Prayer Conference.

...These are a few of my favorite hymns...

2007-06-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

Julie Andrews was once in a musical called "The Sound of Music." You may have heard of it. It is a story of love, and singing, and mountains, and nannying, and nuns, and Nazis--really, it contains every topic imaginable. Except monkeys on rollerskates, which definitely would have added another dimension to the story. Especially if these monkeys smoked and drank, and came from the wrong side of the tracks, but had a redemptive encounter with the famous singing Von Trapp family, who then recruited the monkeys to help keep the Nazis out of beautiful Austria. Supposedly, one chimpanzee has the strength of ten men, and on roller skates they could easily double their speed.

I digress.

Anyway, I basically wrote the song, "My Favorite Things." Oscar Hammerstein didn't know it at the time, but he was pre-plagiarizing all the lyrics from my pre-prenatal self. Think about it. "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens; Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens." And, "Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes; Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes; Silver white winters that melt into springs; These are a few of my favorite things." I have seen a rose. I had a cat at home, and I even kind of miss her. Don't even get me started on mittens. And girls? Who doesn't like girls. I know I do.

But for whatever reason, the line, "These are a few of my favorite things", just reminded me of some of the greatest verses from my favorite hymns. I have a soft spot in my heart for hymns. While others may cringe at the somewhat archaic language, I embrace it. Hymns speak of the deepest truths of the Christian faith in the most beautiful and poetic ways, while many modern songs communicate through vulgar expressions that make it sound like God is your girlfriend and you're just saying a bunch of cliché 'I love yous' in the hopes of making out. Yes, I'm overexaggerating. Most modern worship songs aren't really that bad...maybe...probably...okay, you got me--I sing them when I'm in the shower or when nobody is around. But I really, really, really love hymns. Maybe not as much as girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, but I love them nonetheless. So here are a few of my favorite verses from my favorite hymns.

NOT WHAT MY HANDS HAVE DONE
"Not what my hands have done
Can save my guilty soul;
Not what my toiling flesh has borne
Can make my spirit whole.
Not what I feel or do
Can give me peace with God;
Not all my prayers,
And sighs and tears
Can bear my awful load.

Thy grace alone, O God,
To me can pardon speak;
Thy power alone O Son of God,
Can this sore bondage break.
No other work, save Thine,
No other blood will do,
No strength save that,
Which is divine,
Can bear me safely through."

LET US LOVE AND SING AND WONDER
"Let us wonder grace and justice
Join and point to mercy’s store
When through grace in Christ our trust is
Justice smiles and asks no more
He Who washed us with His blood
He Who washed us with His blood
He Who washed us with His blood
Has secured our way to God."

I ASKED THE LORD
"1. I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
'Tis in this way' The Lord replied
'I answer prayer for grace and faith'

7. 'These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me.'”

TO CHRIST THE LORD LET EVERY TONGUE
"He saw me plunged in deep distress
He fled to my relief
For me He bore the shameful cross
And carried all my grief
His hand a thousand blessings pours
Upon my guilty head
His presence gilds my darkest hours
And guards my sleeping bed

Since from His bounty I receive
Such proofs of love divine
Had I a thousand hearts to give
Lord, they should all be Thine
A thousand men could not compose
A worthy song to bring
Yet Your love is a melody
Our hearts can’t help but sing!"

Amen. I don't even know if Jonathan Edwards could have said it better himself. And it should be obvious what I'm thankful for today--not only are these songs beautiful, but they are true!

Oh yeah, and, "Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels; Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles; Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings; These are a few of my favorite things."

I Comprendo'd

2007-06-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

Today I had a breakthrough at church, though it may have been scaled down to just a semi-breakthrough after talking with a few other people. I understood the message. I could follow every point he made, and felt motivated by it! Of course, it was all in English, but at this point, what does that matter? Just kidding. It was in Spanish, and I really did understand it all. But after the service a few other people said that they like it when this guy preaches because they can understand him, so it probably has less to do with my Spanish improving than I originally thought. If the church cared about us Americans AT ALL, they would have this guy preach every Sunday. I'll give it a few weeks and if they don't budge, I'll have to see if I can get "The W" to come over the Atlantic and throw his weight around. I'm talking some serious economic sanctions here. Seriously.

And today I'm thankful that people only hear the words that come out of my mouth, not the ones in my head. That would be ugly.

Earthquake!

2007-06-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been on the ride 'Earthquake!' at Universal Studios. Me neither, but as of this morning I have experienced the real deal. That's right, add 'been in an earthquake' to Mike Gorski's long list of firsts since arriving in Spain. I was writing a few emails this morning when my apartment building started moving. It was a very interesting feeling, short as it was.

After that I headed out to the market, but not before having an argument with someone over what you call a cordless drill. Apparently, it's only a drill if you use it to drill holes. I'm still calling it a cordless drill, NOT a screwdriver, even if you are using it to drive screws. I think that Black & Decker is just taking advantage of stay-at-home Moms who think they need two separate tools to do the job of one--the cordless drill.

The market went really well. I talked to quite a few people and gave out some quality Christian literature in all kinds of languages. Oh yeah, and I had a Granizado, which is basically a lemonade slurpee. It turned out to be ironic since the verse I put on the white board in front of our table read:

JESUS SAID--"I AM THE BREAD OF LIFE; WHOEVER COMES TO ME SHALL NOT HUNGER, AND WHOEVER BELIEVES IN ME SHALL NEVER THIRST." JOHN 6:35

I wonder what people were thinking as they walked by the table. I'm sure it went something like this: "What's this? That sure is a handsome young lad there at that white table. And it seems that something is written on the front of the table. I can't quite make out what it says, so I better get a closer look. I say, he is even more strapping the closer you get to him. Must come from good breeding stock. And what is it that the sign says? Never have thirst or hunger? And what is it that this adonis has in his hand? A Granizado? Oh, that looks swell. Then the sign must be speaking of a spiritual or figurative thirst, of course. He is quite the specimen though."

Yes, it would've made a great picture, me standing in front of this verse while drinking a refreshing Granizado.

Today I'm thankful for my time in the market, meeting new people and practicing Spanish. I really enjoyed it a lot. And, I used the previously mentioned cordless drill to put together some shelves afterward. And Wilco's album 'Being There' (Disc One) is rocking my world right now.

The kind of mexican food you made as a freshman in college...but worse.

2007-06-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I ate in a mexican restaurant called Chile Grande, and it was bad. It all started that morning in class when I overheard my teacher mention meeting a group of people to eat at a mexican restaurant. Hmm. Mexican food beats a ham and cheese sandwich (though not shawarma), I thought to myself. And I love Mexican food and haven't eaten any since arriving in Spain. Okay, I'll go.

My first mistake was letting my Corona Village withdrawals take over and move me to go. When you haven't eaten anything that even comes close to resembling spicy for three months, you start to get cold sweats, nausea, and the shakes. Just like an ex-smoker misses holding a cigarette in hand, my fingers were desperate to hold a corn chip weighed down with a good salsa.

My second mistake was believing my teacher when she told me it would be good, authentic, mexican food. I don't think she's ever had real mexican food. But it's not her fault. She's from spain and mexico is quite a ways away from spain the last time I checked.

The first plate was chips and salsa. The second, a quesadilla made up of what tasted like a few pieces of melted american cheese between flour tortillas. Next came the "tacos," which, in spain, means mini burritos that your little brother made when he got home from school every day--in fourth grade. Seriously, I've made better "tacos", and I don't remember ever making tacos in my life.

This was not a real mexican restaurant. It was a house of lies.

On a more serious note, this week I read Don Miller's "Blue Like Jazz." Honestly, I thought I was going to hate it, but I couldn't put it down. It was a great book and I'm going to refrain from saying any more on the subject because it will make up my next post. Also, I got back from morocco a week from tomorrow. I'll get some better pictures from my friends, but I'll put one on here to keep you interested. I guess that will take up another post as well.

Today, I'm thankful for what God has been teaching me through the aforementioned book. He has given me some amazing insight from the place I least expected it--an emergent sympathizing best-selling Christian author. This may have been the first really popular Christian book I've ever read. If the author is still alive it means it's not worth reading, right? Just kidding.

Good night.

Fashion Faux Pas Part Deux

2007-05-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

I just saw a girl wearing a denim mini-skirt and what appeared to be either wrestling shoes or the shoes you wear to race cars. Move over Hulk Hogan...or, um, Jeff Gordon.

Hyperactive Piano Drums

2007-05-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

Close to two weeks between posts. Again. But as Steve Zissou said, "You know how I feel about apologies, so if it's all the same I'll just skip it...well, anyway I'm sorry." I will try to post more often as keeping up the blog really helps me keep up the introspection. In the meantime, here are two videos one of my teachers told me about. They're awesome.

Today I'm thankful for the time I will be studying for my Spanish test tomorrow. This is the first time in my life where I can literally walk out onto the street and apply what I've learned in class right away. Amazing!

Las Guitarristas (Parte Dos)

2007-05-10T04:18:00.000-07:00

Here is a video of my roommate and I playing guitar on our terrace. He's good and is soloing. I am playing rhythm and can't keep time.

Gini's School for Wives who can't Cook Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Things Good Too.

2007-05-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, long time no blog, but I've been really busy and tired. A lot has been going on lately, though nothing really huge. Last weekend I went to a national park called Cazorla to spend four days with my people here, getting to know each other and what not. It was a lot of fun and I actually did learn a lot about everybody. For example, if I ever get married, I hope that my wife would be willing to attend Gini's School for Wives who can't Cook Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Things Good Too..

I'm still in language school, and I'm still making progress, though at times very slowly. On some days I can just tell that it is going to be hard to speak. I just feel it while walking to class. Very frustrating. But, I guess as long as I am learning new things, eventually it will all come pouring out.

Anyway, I'm having trouble thinking, a common thing these days, so here are a few pictures to feed your lust for...pictures.
This first one is a picture of the Alhambra from the Mirador de San Nicolas, a lookout place. Beautiful.

This one is of the street that I walk down everyday to leave or return to my apartment. At any given moment it is filled with tourists. Your hear a lot of German on this street, and the buses can go by pretty fast. You definitely want to hug the wall sometimes.

A couple weeks ago, a few of us went on a hike after church. It was a nice little jaunt to a rural park, where we threw a frisbee and enjoyed the nice weather. Plus, it almost felt like we were sitting on real grass, a rarety here. There is a little grass in one of the parks in town, but you aren't supposed to sit on it, and I'm not a lawbreaker.

This is a picture from our retreat. While driving there I saw more olive trees than ever before in my life, which isn't saying a lot, except that there really were a ton of olive trees. I guess that's why olive oil is so cheap here. Anyway, it was beautiful.

In ending this post I would say that I'm thankful for the nap I took this afternoon. Yesterday, I went hiking again with friends and it was a long day, mostly because of the company. Just kidding. It was actually because I left my house a little before ten, went hiking until 6:30, then hung out with the hiking crew until I had to meet some people for tapas at 8:30. I finally went to bed a little after midnight, so the nap was just what I needed. Plus, when I was meeting with my program director this week he asked me how he could pray for me. I told him that I was still really tired, a common theme lately, and he responded with something along the lines of, "this sounds like a recurring problem, what are you going to do about it." And nap I did.

Thankful Part 2

2007-04-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

Once again, I forgot to end my last post with something I'm thankful for. It seems this is becoming a habit. Anyway, today I'm thankful for...well, honestly, it's a bit hard to think of something, so I'll have to get back to you. I guess I could say something like, I'm thankful for my iPod because it facilitates one of my favorite activites, listening to music. Or something about getting better at Spanish, which I am thankful for, but that string has already been plucked. Maybe I should just be thankful that this blog has forced me to evaluate my life and work hard to think of all the meaningful ways that God has blessed me. I'll think about it before going to bed early tonight.

Reefer Madness!

2007-04-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

So, here are the plain facts. A good percentage of Holland is currently studying Spanish at my language school. In Fact, half of my class are Dutch girls. And they speak English very well. But what if I didn't speak English? What would it feel like if this common language were taken away? Such is the position of the Italian guy in class. He is there to learn Spanish and doesn't speak English, so not many people talk with him during the breaks. So I took it upon myself to speak with him, and apparently he has taken a liking to me.

Yesterday, when I left my keys, wallet, mobile phone, and money locked in my apartment, he offered to buy me a pastry at a bakery down the street. I enjoyed speaking with him about music, Italy, the mafia, and food, even though it was all in broken Spanish. Today, I returned the favor, and after finishing my Berliner, he asked me an interesting question. "Do you enjoy smoking?" You have to be careful answering questions like this in Spain, because you may end up communicating something false. I quickly assessed the situation. I never see him smoking with the other students during breaks, but he mentioned in class that he doesn't ever get drunk. So, I offered a safe reply, "sometimes, I like to smoke a pipe with my friends." His response, "I like to smoke marijuana."

Add it to the lists of firsts here in Spain. First place I've visited outside of Texas where a mullet was socially acceptable, first time eating churros con chocolate, first Dutch friend, and first implicit invite to take part in illegal activities. What's next, driving a scooter? Hopefully not. I hate scooters.

By the way, I turned down the invitiation and now have one more reason to learn this language--to turn down drugs.

Thankful

2007-04-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

So, I just realized that my last two posts were lacking in the thankfulness department. Remember when I promised to end every post with some form of thanksgiving? No? Oh, that's right, you don't care. Just kidding, I know you do. Right?

Anyway, today I'm thankful for my new cajón. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a wooden box that you sit on and play like a djembe. For those of you who don't know what a djembe is, it's a drum you play with your hands. So, a cajón is a wooden box that you play with your hands. It's one of the coolest percussion instruments I've ever heard, and I pretty much suck at it right now, but hopefully I'll improve to "kind of doesn't suck."

Also, I'm thankful for the care package I received in the mail yesterday. Not only did I learn how to pick up a package from the Post Office, but the package I picked up contained Easter candy! For those of you who have never eaten Cadbury Mini-Eggs, you don't know what you're missing. Although, if you haven't tried them, I'm assuming that it is because you are dead, probably the result of a very good personal choice (read my Fashion Faux Pas post about choosing death over a Mullet).

My thanks for this post would have to be the time I've spent hanging out with people from school these past few days, and the fact that my singing voice, not that it was ever anything spectacular, is coming back. Oh yeah, and I found out that a café here has an Open Mic night every Tuesday. We'll see how that goes.

Tired

2007-04-16T08:20:00.001-07:00

Six weeks down. It's amazing how the time flies. It's also amazing how tired you can get from doing nothing. For example, today, I woke up tired, went to class and then came home for lunch. After lunch, I started to do my homework and study...and fell asleep. Right now, I just returned from a meeting and I'm getting ready to study some more...and probably fall asleep.

Why am I so tired? I haven't been running, playing volleyball, or any of the other things I used to do to stay active. Personally, I think it is just from living in a strange place and constantly listening to a strange language. Strange, huh? Well, unfortunately I'm not a master at Spanish yet, but I've had some great conversations with some of my classmates in English. They are very European in their views of religion and Christianity, and find it a bit odd that I am so young and still go to church, read the Bible, and pray. No young people do that here, so I feel like a hamster in one of those clear exercise balls--everybody's watching to see what I'll do and where I'll go. Anyway, it has made for some very thought provoking discussions.

Also, the weather has warmed up a bit, which has made playing the guitar a bit easier, and thus restored one of my favorite relaxation tools. And, I bought a cajon this week. It has to be one of the coolest things ever. Now, I just need to learn how to play it. It is becoming increasingly hard to concentrate, so I'm ending abruptly.

Ben Brown went to the aquarium...

2007-04-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a great conversation with some friends back home, and it was just what I needed. There is something comforting about talking to the people who are closest to you. I can't explain it, there just is. They speak to your heart without saying a word. Just knowing that they are on the other end allows you to picture yourself sitting at the table with them again. It also helps when one of those people has been through the same feelings and trials that you are currently facing. I've been a bit homesick this past few days, and frustrated with my Spanish, mostly because my roommates are gone and I didn't have school, so I called Jeff and Sheila.

Naturally, I had grand plans of studying my brains out this weekend, going back to school on Monday with everything nailed down, and being able to converse with people all of a sudden. With season one of Alias and House behind me, not to mention a few trips to eat shawarma, here I sit, with almost no studying done, lonely, and still a little homesick. But while I'm lonely, I don't want to be around the people here in Granada, I want to be with all my friends back in Wyoming, Louisville, and North Carolina. This morning after church, when everyone stood up and started talking, I just had to go outside. I was overwhelmed by all the voices, and not being able to communicate, so I stood outside. I stood there with all these people readily accessible, but I felt lonely. I walked part of the way home with a friend, but just wanted to be alone, because I'm the only person I really know here. I'm longing for the familiar. When I brush my teeth I picture my bathroom at home, where everything is, what the faucet and water felt like, the lighting, the floor. I miss it all.

But God hasn't called us to the familiar. He has called us to acknowledge that we are strangers and exiles on the earth (Heb 11:13). "For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." (Hebrews 11:14-16)

God has been teaching me this for a long time, but I'm stubborn. And I expect He will continue to teach it to me the rest of my life, because I'm stubborn. His call for us to be sojourners isn't an external one. It's internal, and that is difficult. Moving across the world is easy, but letting God be your all in all--not your family, friends, stuff, and location--that is hard. Especially when all of those things are at your disposal. I pray that God would peel my clenched fingers away from all these things so that I can see them the way they deserve to be seen, through the lens of God's love, not my comfort. So I can touch them with God's hands, not selfishly with my own. In the end, it will bring God, others, and me, so much more joy.

Yes, I'm stubborn. But thank God that I'm loved.

Fashion Faux Pas

2007-04-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for awhile, so here is a list of some things I have learned here in Granada. The subject--fashion.

First, I have never seen so many mullets before in my life. Everyday, I step out of my apartment and into a Billy Ray Cyrus video. Lesson #1: NEVER HAVE A MULLET FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. This rules out the mini-mullet, the dreadlock mullet, the mullet hawk (mohawk mullet combo), the she-mullet, all of them. Given the choice between death and getting a mullet, always choose death.

Second, girls care not for comfort. They walk on cobblestone streets wearing heels, all the time. Do yourself a favor and put on some tennis shoes for an afternoon. It's OK.

Third, girls tend to be really skinny here. So, if you are a Spanish girl, EAT SOMETHING.

Fourth, everybody smokes everywhere. I might as well just take up smoking. Who cares if the package says something like, SMOKING KILLS YOU?

There you go, short list of things not to do. I guess I could throw a quick shout out to piercing your face too. Don't do it.

Today, I'm thankful that I learned something very useful in class.

The View

2007-03-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are some pictures from the terrace of my apartment. The view is incredible, and unfortunately the pictures don't do it justice. They were all taken from terrace.

This is my view of the backside of the Alhambra.

Just off to the left are the remains of the first hospital in in Europe.

This is a picture of a street behind the terrace.

Again, sorry the pictures don't do justice to the Alhambra's beauty, but you have now seen things the way I do every morning. Oh, and I forgot to take a picture of the historic Arab Baths. And my roommates. But I'll save that for another day.

I almost forgot, today the weather warmed up and I got to wear sandals, which makes my foot feel a lot better. I'm definitely thankful for that.

Las Guitarristas

2007-03-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

Language school. Mine is called Mester. I go for two hours in the morning, then have a Spanish 15 minute break (25 minutes) where I go buy bread with Molly, then go back for another two hour session with a different teacher. Right now it is really basic, but I have learned a few new things, which is nice, cause, you know, I live in Spain. Or Something.

My class consists of my friend Molly, three 18-19 year old Dutch girls, and a guy from France named Jean. Oh yeah, and me. I pretty much rule the class. Except in guitar skills. The other day Jean came over to my apartment (pictures coming soon) to play guitars, and he schooled me. He's been playing for five years and loves French gypsy music and is great at improvisation. But my guitar is better than his. Ha! In your face Jean! My guitar was bought with money, you couldn't even buy your skills? He also speaks English, French, German, and Japanese. He'll learn Spanish in no time. He is already really good.

Thanks to everyone who sent me notes about my feet. I've got multiple options for treatment, including my Dad sending me my old shoes that are perfectly molded to my feet. Another option is staying off of my feet for a few days by posing as a street performer. Maybe I'd get a little extra cash too.

I was trying to think of something I could do on the blog to connect all these thoughts. I thought about keeping a running tally of how many times I've stepped in dog poop at the end of each post, but a better one just happened upon me. Inspired by Molly, who was inspired by Oprah, who I can't talk bad about because she probably owns the interweb and everything else, I've decided to end each post with something that I'm thankful for.

Today I'm thankful for the unsolicited chocolate I received from Stevo, Sarah, Nina, Daci, and Marko. I'm not even homesick yet and I've been spoiled by Reese's Pieces. I'm not soliciting for more stuff, it was just a great reminder that people care about me and are praying for me. I'm also thankful for the emails I've received. Please, don't stop communicating with me.

God Bless and Good Night (Day)

¡Mumbler!

2007-03-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last night was very interesting. Let me give you a little run through. I decided to attend my new roommate's girlfriend's birthday party at what will be my apartment come Monday. Being the overconfident navigator I am, I tried to take the quick, back road way to the apartment, but I got lost right away. How's that, you ask? Well, I was following a narrow, cobblestone street between tall white buildings, but apparently that is what all the streets and buildings look like in Albaicin. Actually, I just got really lost, because I didn't know where the heck I was going (that's twice this week). So I ended up at a lookout place, finally pulled out my map but couldn't find where I was at, then broke down and asked some nice people for directions. They responded with "tan lejos" (very far) and were surprised that I had was walking there. They must be lazy.

Anyway, I finally made it to the party. As soon as I walked in, I was paralyzed by the thought of having to kiss that many people on the cheek. In Spain, when you enter a room, you are supposed to greet everyone in the room, shaking hands with the men and fake kissing the girls on each cheek. Some of you may be saying, "what is his deal, he doesn't want to kiss cute girls?" But what you don't understand is that I don't even like to sit next to someone in a theater, unless I know them really well, because our shoulders might touch, let alone kissing a bunch of strangers. If I could sum up the evening in three words, it would be these:

1) Awkward. Not only did I have to kiss the one stranger who was closest to me upon entrance, but I was the dumb American who couldn't speak much Spanish.

2) Challenging. Not only was I the dumb American who couldn't speak much Spanish, but I talked with a local guy who seemingly said more random vowel sounds than actual words. He was a nice guy, but I found it hard to concentrate on our conversation when I was thinking, "he isn't saying real words, he's just mumbling, how did this guy get into college?" Again, nice guy, but a thick accent.

3) Fun. Not only was I the non-kissing, dumb American, but at some point in time I became the guy playing guitar with another guy. I kind of felt like I was on display at a zoo, or a street performer's monkey. Everybody gathered round and shouted, "DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!" while I tried to play along. The good news. One of my new roommates said he would teach me some Flamenco songs.

I'll post again in a few days to let you know how language school and my apartment are going.

coche fantastico

2007-03-10T02:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, David Hasselhof has used his brand of Miami beach voodoo to witch his way into the hearts of Spaniards. In fact, so much so that Knight rider reruns are on TV here. It's called Coche Fantastico--Fantastic Car (how true). Surely this is a sign that postmillenialism is utterly false, because if the world were getting better David Hasselhof would not still be on TV.

So here I sit, waiting to go check out an apartment that I'm pretty sure David (the other guy here with me) will take. But I have some promising leads, and if none of them work out I can always scotch guard a big screen TV box from the electronics store. That is a pretty big need. So is language. I need to learn Spanish. It seems that no matter how hard I try, these people won't speak english. Like when we went to buy mobile phones and the lady wouldn't speak english. Actually, she gave us our phones in "spanish language" mode because she said, "you need to learn." What? Who is she to tell me I can't speak English? I thought there was some kind of world law that says everybody in the world needs to speak English, but I guess she hadn't heard of it. Seriously, they are like cavemen here.

I am starting language school in a little over a week. This week is devoted to the city itself. I need to learn how to get around, and thankfully we have an assignment to help with that. Taking the bus, going into diferent stores, attending mass, finding all the Plazas, eating shawarma...basic orientation. I'm looking forward to using the little Spanish I know to ask directions and sound stupid.

Well, I'll write a bit more when I get time, but for now I need to eat some Golden Grahams and take a shower.

And Ward said there wouldn't be landmines...

2007-03-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

I'm here. In just this 24 hour period of being in Spain I've already had quite a few noteworthy things happen, and since blogs are all about lists, here is my first SpainList.

1. We had a 7 1/2 hour layover in Madrid (the flight there was only, 7) so we took the subway into town, where Molly bought a pair of shoes. I fell asleep on the Subway.

2. I watched "Grosse Pointe Blank" (sic?) on my iPod while everyone else watched the airline movies and heard terrible sounds that made their eardrums burst--something was wrong, don't fly US Airways International.

3. I ate shawarma, the spanish equivalent to kebab.

4. I stepped in dog poop.

5. I realized how much I wished I already knew Spanish.

6. I got a cell phone (bling bling).

7. I started orientation and met almost everybody I will be working with here.

8. I decided to post on my blog.

9. I decided to go to bed.

Good night...or day...or whatever.

Over the River and Through the Woods...

2007-03-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm at my Grandparents in New York state, and I am pleasantly surprised to find that they have cable internet. Way to go Gramps. Anyway, this has allowed me to set up my primitive and incomplete email update list, as well as post on my blog at this very moment. It is tough to be in the in between stage right now, but it is great to visit family--even if everything I unpack has to be re-packed, which means I'll probably have to re-pack everything to get it all to fit back in my bag. The slightest of negative consequences for seeing them again.

Only three days left in the country now. I had the chance to speak with Andy Barlow today, and I mentioned that just in the last week I have begun to look at my situation realistically. Before, I looked at moving to Spain through rose colored glasses, anticipating all my difficulties and envisioning myself tackling them head on. But in the last week I have realized they will indeed be genuinely difficult. There will soon come a day when I am so frustrated with not being able to speak the language that I will wonder why I ever came to Spain. When that day comes I will have to look back and see all that God accomplished to send me, and that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Except for eating ice cream. Now I look forward to these trials in a different sense. Previously, I saw them as occasions for victory and conquest and feeling good about how awesome I am. Now, I see them as opportunities for failure and being humbled and seeing how much I need God. It's not that I don't want to get through these future trials, but I want God to get all the glory for it, because when I am weak, He is shown to be strong.

On Sunday I fly to Philadelphia to meet up with David, Jamie, and Molly, then we'll all fly to Spain on Monday night. The timing is great as we'll arrive in Madrid just in time to sit in the airport for seven hours. The next leg of our flight is a little over and hour long, so I'm sure I'll need the break. Plus, I'm guessing that the Madrid airport is awesome, right? RIGHT!? I imagine that they have mini bullfights all day long. If not, they probably have a food court, which is just as good.

Well, I'm going to bed. Thanks for reading this and praying for me. I'll keep you posted on what is going on in my life and what I need prayer for.

Goodbye

2007-02-28T01:41:00.000-07:00

Home. It is something that has eluded me for a long time. When my parents split up, any semblance of the typical idea of home--you know, the kind where the little kid comes in for soup and everything is always ok--disappeared. I learned that my parents have problems just like me. A hard lesson to learn, but a good one, because it made them human for the first time. Since then I have searched for a home in so many different ways. I've tried to find it in other families' homes, or with friends. Or in doing something that I enjoy, no matter where I am. But I've always been left empty. After drinking from each of these wells, I have continued to thirst. It is an insatiable desire, to have a place for total peace and rest. But just as soon as I think that I've found it, it's gone, like waking from a vivid dream, or trying to swat flies. And so I continue to hunger for home and peace and rest. And God has taught me a bit of why we each have this desire.

Deep down, we're all searching for heaven. We long, maybe even unconsciously, for the final redemption of all things, even the concept of home. We are pilgrims in this world (Heb 11), traveling toward the promised land where Christ reigns as King over His people and possessions. We long for the day of restoration, when home will be found both in all places and people and things, because it will all be as it was meant to be--perfect.

So, today I'm leaving Laramie for a long time. I'm leaving my family, friends, church, house, hometown, car, electric guitars; the people, places, and things I love the most. It's exciting and scary all at once, but I know that as God has given me glimpses of home and rest in each of these, He will continue to do so no matter where I live. But you can bet I will miss my family, friends, and guitars...a lot.

"He who testifies to these things says, 'Surely I am coming soon.' Amen. Come, Lord Jesus! The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen."--Revelation 22:20-21

Transformationpartytime

2007-02-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

My transformation is complete. I've gone from being a bearded mountain man who lived off of tree bark and raw meat to an emergent worship leader look alike to a regular at your local bowling alley to a clean cut lotion and cologne wearing metrosexual. Okay maybe that's not all true, but I do look quite a bit different. In fact, a few people didn't recognize me at my own going away party. They just walked right on by. How about that. Anyway, here are some pictures of my amazing metamorphosis (sic?) and my going away party.

Alright, so I lied. The party pictures won't load, which means I'll try to post them again tomorrow. God has been so good to me and I've overlooked and underappreciated that fact so much in the past year and a half that it makes me sick. He surrounds me with Christlike love through my church, even when I take them all for granted, and I'll post pictures of some of that love soon.

Easy like Sunday Mornin'

2007-02-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

Church was great today. We were pushed out of our usual meeting place by the high school drama class (boo, drama), but the high school gym was more than willing to accomodate us. Thank you Gymnasium. Anyway, we decided to scale down the 'worship team' to just acoustic guitars, djembe, bass, and vocals, which I love. Playing electric guitar with a full band is great, but there is something grassroots and simplistic about an acoustic band. And I love Hymns, which made me happy as well. We sang 'God be Merciful', 'Poor Sinner Dejected with Fear', and 'How Deep the Father's Love for Us', on top of some other good choruses. So begins my Molly Ruff list of things I love.

But that list will have to wait for a day less manly, as the last two nights have been spent in the Man Room amidst good friends and good conversation. You'll know when that day comes, because the background of this blog will be pink with flowers on it, but for now, I am overflowing with testosterone and exuding manliness. I digress. Tomorrow I will post about something that has been on my mind for awhile, but my pastor's message really brought it into focus today. Also, I spent a little more time with Nate Scott and his wife today, which was awesome. They are straight cool. Plus, he gave me about 10 of his CD's to give away and help get his name out. I'm not a big fan of the Rap music, but I like Nate's a lot. If you want to check out his music, go here. How did we ever survive without MySpace. And cell phones.

Here is a picture of the Scotts that I took in front of my pastor's house. They are awesome and were extremely encouraging.

The Man Room

2007-02-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

Some pictures to sum up an evening of testosterone filled fellowship in the Man Room--no chicks allowed. If it were summer, none of these pictures would include shirts, because we're manly...or at least trying to be.

It's called "ambiance."

Men present:
Sam. He owns the Man Room, although some would say that every man owns a portion of it (like Stevo).

Dave. He's the worship leader from...Laramie Valley Chapel. Unfortunately, you can't really see his horns in this picture, but believe me, they're there.

Ben. He just returned from Iraq on Josh Rose's birthday (Feb. 14)

Drew. He likes men...in a completely manly man Man Room sense of the phrase.

Superman. No comment necessary.

Nate's gettin' jiggy with it

2007-02-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

A friend from my early days at the University of Wyoming's FCA is visiting this weekend. After being involved with FCA for about six years, it is encouraging to see that he is still walking with the Lord. It was great to see him and meet his wife of 53 weeks. Thanks Nate.

Also, I found out about a place called iJigg that hosts music for free, so I'm putting one of my songs on this post. You can put them on your blogs (though I don't recommend it, don't settle) of just listen to them. It will even keep track of how many times it gets pasted on the web. I'll figure out a way to put more of my songs on here soon...for your listening pleasure.

Here is my rendition of "Sweet By and By"--a Baptist favorite.

Sick Cat Strut

2007-02-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

So I have been mildly sick for about two weeks, but yesterday it took a turn for the worse. I'm tempted to put a picture of The Tick battling The Common Cold again, but I already posted that once before. It will have to suffice that I'm pretty miserable, and I've probably blown my nose 200 times in the last day and a half. The word frustration doesn't really do my feelings justice since I have less than two weeks left here in Laramie. Those healthy goodbyes will have to pour out in a steady stream.

Only 12 days left, then on to New York to visit mis abuelos (grandparents, pretty good, huh?), then on to Philly for a night, then on to Spain. There are so many people to see and spend time with, not to mention the fact that I need to pack and organize 25 years worth of crap at my Dad's house. I'm a bit overwhelmed, if you can't tell. But, as soon as I recover I can spend 24 hours a day doing all that, right? Right. The most disappointing thing about my condition is probably that my Fu Manchu hasn't had opportunity to strut around town and pick up chicks. I'll have to go down to the bowling alley to make up for it. The awesome, raw attraction that members of the opposite sex feel when they see my manly manchu moustache is best summed up by the song, 'Stray Cat Strut.'

"I don't bother chasing mice around
I slink down the alley looking for a fight
Howling to the moonlight on a hot summer night
Singin' the blues while the lady cats cry,
'Wild stray cat, you're a real gone guy.'"

I'm a real gone guy.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2007-02-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

A few of the much anticipated photos I promised in the last post. I'm sorry that they are kind of lame (self-portrait), but my photographer hasn't been around lately...or ever.

David Crowder, or somebody else with a massive gotee (sic?), eat your heart out.

(Fu)Manchu March...in February? I don't even stick out in a crowd...Wyoming is awesome!!

Not as cool as changing facial hair, but it's pretty cool, right? Right?! Please think I'm cool!

I'll post more as my hair diet progresses.

How to Shave a Mole Rat, or, The Longest Day Ever

2007-02-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since my last post, and I am just finishing a long but encouraging day, so this little diddy will have to curb your appetite until I have more time and energy to be thorough. The following is a summary of my day.

I woke up at 6:30 to meet someone at a coffee shop. The person didn't show, so I just read a bunch of Psalms until this random stoner kid asked me what I was reading. We talked about life, Christianity, and the Scriptures until about 9:00, when he had to go to work. In the meantime, an old acquaintance from college came in and I was able to catch up with her for about a half hour. {insert shower and primping here}. Next, I went to lunch with two guys I play volleyball with, one of which just got back from being gone the last month. We each enjoyed an enormous burrito, and the conversation ranged everywhere from spiritual things to France to the joys and hardships of Open Gym Volleyball. After lunch, I did some paperwork that I should have done months ago, then had to go to the bank to gather some necessary paperwork information. While out I stopped by the High School pool to talk to my old swim coach/former coworker who informed me that one of our ex-athletes, who has been struggling with Leukemia, has only two weeks to live. I think the kid is only 21--it's a hard pill to swallow. Please pray that God gives me wisdom as I try to write something to him. I came home just in time to help my Dad dig the Camaro (Ow, Ow, Ow!!--the sound of tires chirping) out of the ice that surrounded the tires. Then, I had just enough time to get ready for dinner at Jason and Kristin Reid's house. I hadn't really met them before, but they were very encouraging and had great advice and wisdom to shower on me. I highly recommend them to anyone interested in knowing cool and mature Christians. I went straight to The Grounds coffee shop to meet my friend Amy, where we talked about anything and everything until 10:30 which is pretty close to what time it is right now.

Obviously, that is just a summary, not an exhaustive minute by minute account, but if you throw in a lot of coughing (not head turning and coughing, that was at my physical on Mon.), water, tea, and bathroom breaks (I drank A LOT of fluids), you pretty much know what my day was. Oh, a glasses update. I got new ones, for a decent price, the same day as my exam. Also, went through Phase I of my hair transformation this week--I call it the David Crowder phase. Next is the handlebar mustache phase, then the molestache phase (a normal mustache), then Phase IV, which is the clean cut, clean shaven Metrosexual Mike phase. Don't worry I'll post pictures of the whole process.

Mo' Problems, Mo' Money

2007-02-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

I couldn't solder my glasses together, so I am looking for some cheap solutions. Unfortunately, it isn't looking good (pun intended). I figure that gives me two options.

Option 1. Shell out the money for an eye exam and get the cheapest grandpa frames I can find. Or,

Option 2. Continue going about my business without glasses and learn to be content living in a fuzzy world until the random mutations of Evolution fix my eyesight. But I would probably settle for having bad eyesight if Evolution would give me something cooler like telepathy or transporter powers. Even an Adamantium skeletal structure and the power to heal myself (even though Wolverine didn't get his powers through mutation, but from the wonders of science).

RIght now Option 2 is looking pretty good, and I'll probably end up going in that direction, but I might as well look into going to the Optometrist. Oh yeah, and day 3 of my workout regimen went pretty well. Maybe I'll let you know how day 4 goes tomorrow.

My Glasses Hurt, or, My Legs Hurt Real Bad

2007-02-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from MTI and trying to reenter the upper echelon of Laramie's social elite, but encountering one major problem--there is no such thing. I know, I know, I could hear your surprised gasps from here in my living room, but this means only one thing, that I'll have to invent a healthy Aristocratic social circle here in the few weeks I have left. Don't worry there will be a lot of ballroom dancing and scotch swirling, I promise.

In other news, I started working out again. This has led to two significant events. First, I'm really sore. I haven't really done any physical activity, other than play volleyball two days a week, for about five years. That means I've gone from the apex of being a chiseled, invincible, NCAA division I athlete, to an old, fat, washed up, ex-division I athlete who plays volleyball just to remind himself that he used to be able to do things. And just to say it again, I'm really sore...but also happy to be doing physical activity again. But this isn't the only result of my monumental return to the gym. Today, as I was getting into the steamroom, my glasses snapped in two. So, as of today, I'm an old, fat, washed up, ex-division I athlete who plays volleyball just to remind himself that he used to be able to do things, and is partially blind.

And the end result of all this is that I'm going to limp around the store to buy batteries for a soldering iron to reconnect the two pieces that once were my glasses.

I can't get no...satisfaction

2007-02-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

First day back from MTI and I've already slept in, skipped doing any physical activity (pushups and situps every night for the last two weeks), gone to an all-you-can-eat Mongolian barbecue with some missionaries, and listened to a reggae version of Pink Floyd's album "Dark Side of the Moon." That's a pretty full day, especially after the sleeping in part.

In the last post I told you that I would write a bit about what God has been teaching me lately. Here it goes. In the past, my knowledge and experience of God has been through books, which, don't get me wrong, is a good thing. I soaked myself in Systematic Theologies and Reformers and Puritans. Calvin and Edwards fed me through commentaries, institutes, and sermons. I learned a lot and got a great foundation for my faith. Then I read this a few years ago and it threw me into unrest. It's a Jonathan Edwards sermon from Hebrews 11 on living life as a pilgrim. You should read it. Seriously. Reading that sermon brought me to a place where I knew learning about God wasn't enough to please Him. It showed me that God desires that I know Him intimately and experience His great mercy and power as I walk in this world. I need to enjoy God. I needto live a life that is drastically different from the mediocre one I am living.

Here is an excerpt from it that I love:

"God is the highest good of the reasonable creature, and the enjoyment of him is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. — To go to heaven fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows. But the enjoyment of God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams, but God is the fountain. These are but drops, but God is the ocean. — Therefore it becomes us to spend this life only as a journey towards heaven, as it becomes us to make the seeking of our highest end and proper good, the whole work of our lives, to which we should subordinate all other concerns of life. Why should we labor for, or set our hearts on anything else, but that which is our proper end, and true happiness?"

So, here I am at the Grounds coffee shop in Laramie, convicted of the same truth that my life has been lived selfishly, and that should I die tonight, in many respects I feel my life was wasted on pursuing earthly joys and comforts. But the answer isn't asceticism and denying myself anything pleasurable (like...Cold Stone!!). That's the easy way out. The answer is the long, painful, purifying process of sanctification--seeing my sinful attitudes and then repenting of them. This means I can't justify when I think my best friend is an idiot and begin hating him in my heart. It means I can't be anxious about not being married when all my closest friends are. It means I have to trust God for everything and know that he only does what is best for me, even when it is painful.

Now, I still love learning about God from books, but what I really long for is to know Him through trusting Him for my every desire and need--to hunger and thirst for him like the Psalmist in Psalm 63. "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. BECAUSE YOUR STEADFAST LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My SOUL will BE SATISFIED as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with JOYFUL LIPS, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."--Psalm 63:1-8

Amen.

It's the Final Countdown...

2007-02-01T20:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the final day at MTI and we're in the middle of a struggling 'Open Mic' night that more closely resembles the Iran hostage crisis than an open mic. Most memorable was some video of Alicia dancing in Paraguay. Since you don't know who she is it doesn't mean much. In short, she is the most shy person I've ever met before in my life. She didn't even look like the same person on the video. Amazing.

I'm excited to head home and begin final preparations for moving, but I'm going to miss my time here at MTI. I've made some close friends in a short time and I look forward to staying in touch with them and seeing what God is going to accomplish through them. They are some amazing people.

We focused on having good goodbyes today. It's going to be very helpful to me as I leave, because I tend to just say, "see you later" and leave for months or years. I guess that's not the best way to do it? But it's probably the most manly. Anyway, as I reflect on my time here I have a few prominent thoughts and memories.

1) I made some really cool and godly friends who will continue to have influence on me even after we part ways.

2) It was great to spend time with David, Jamie, and Molly, who will join me in forming World Harvest's "A-Team" in Spain. Sorry to everybody who just got bumped down to B-Squad.

3) As I mentioned before (in another post), someone told me the most encouraging thing I've ever heard in my life. Thank you. It meant more than you'll ever know.

4) God uses all different strokes of people to reach the world. I just had the priviledge of spending time with people who will drastically change the world, even though you'll probably never know because you live in America.

5) I have to drive home in the snow tomorrow. Crappy.

When I get home I will post a little more in-depth about some of the things God has been teaching me in the last three weeks. Good night.

2007-01-31T21:43:00.001-07:00

BLOG!!

Dude Group

2007-01-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

This morning our bible study group, which I aptly renamed Dude Group, decided to open up and share a little. Awkward but very good. Basically, we went around in a big circle and shared how we had been encouraged by each other over the past three weeks. If you know me at all, then you know that I am completely uncomfortable with people saying nice things about me, especially to my face. One person said something that almost made me cry. It was the most encouraging thing anybody has ever said to me. In fact, I almost cried. But then I remembered I was in Dude Group, and that I don't cry, so I choked back the tears for another day.

It's amazing how relationships can form in just a few weeks. I'm really going to miss quite a few of the people here at MTI, and hope to visit some of them while overseas.

In about a half hour I go in for my personal advising time. These times have been so productive for me and have made me appreciate the training I'm getting a bit more than I usually would. This is because I really enjoy talking one on one with Robin, one of our teachers. He is solid and has kept much of my usual criticism to a minimal level. When I think that something we are learning or doing is a little fruity, I know that he doesn't have any theological fruitiness in him and that he won't teach those things. He's cool.

MTI Tournament of Champions

2007-01-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

Match one of the MTI Table Tennis Tournament of Champions: Mike vs. Nick. I won. I'm only worried about one guy named Jeff because he played tennis in college.

In other news, things are going pretty well here, but it is hard to believe that I only have two and a half more days here with my new friends. We have decided to make the most of our time together by going to Cold Stone again. It is a proven fact that ice cream is a catalyst to quality fellowship, just in case you didn't know. I think it's written somewhere in the Old Testament, but I couldn't tell you where, I don't read because it's not for this dispensation. Just kidding--I do read the Old Testament, and I'm not a Dispensationalist, but I do eat ice cream.

Here is a little something to chew on while you pine for another mind-blowing post on my blog. It's called Date to Save . Flirt to Convert!!

Emerged

2007-01-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

My first emergent experience went alright, in that I didn't have a massive coronary. The church met in an old movie theater, much like the Scala Gemeinde in Magdeburg, and we sang a lot of crappy songs written by the worship leader. Some of the lyrics were so poor that I couldn't even sing along in good conscience. Very me centered, very...well, emergent, whatever that means. I am not too keen on the whole Emerging Church movement, but one book i absolutely want to read is, "A Generous Orthodoxy" by Brian Mclaren. I want my critiques to be well informed from a primary source, not simply relying on another's judgment. Anyway, I'm going to bed soon.

I'm Emerging

2007-01-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I'm going to an Emerging Church in Colorado Springs. It's called Vanguard Church and I'm really looking forward to experiencing the service. MTI wants us to attend a church outside of our comfort zone, which in itself is outside of my comfort zone because I take church very seriously.

Here is a Spurgeon quote I read this morning:

"Remember, sinner, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee--it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee--it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that is the instrument--it is Christ's blood and merits; therefore, look not to thy hope, but to Christ, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Christ, the author and finisher of thy faith; and if thou doest that, ten thousand devils cannot throw thee down.... There is one thing which we all of us too much becloud in our preaching, though I believe we do it very unintentionally--namely, the great tuth that it is not prayer, it is not faith, it not our doings, it is not our feelings upon which we must rest, but upon Christ, and on Christ alone. We are apt to think that we are not in a right state, that we do not feel enough, instead of remembering that our business is not with self, but Christ. Let me beseech thee, look only to Christ; never expect deliverance from self, from ministers, or from any means of any kind apart from Christ; keep thine eye simply on Him; let His death, His agonies, His groans, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, His intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look for Him; when thou liest down at night look for Him."

Hard Questions and a Heavy Chest

2007-01-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I was a bit restless. My prayer time here at MTI has been great, but I haven't had much time to settle down and read a lot. So, I got up early, went to Starbucks, and read for a little over an hour. It was exactly what I needed. I happened to read Psalm 84 and started to meditate on my sin and need for repentance. We constantly need reminders from scripture, the Holy Spirit, and other believers, encouraging us to keep on keepin' on. I need to continuously fight to say with the Psalmist, "I would rather spend a day in the courts of my God than spend a thousand dwelling in the tents of wickedness" (paraphrase). To be reminded that the time past was enough for me to tolerate and enjoy sin (1 Peter), and that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal. I seriously can't describe how satisfying my time was.

One other question that came up this morning was about what my reaction would be to crime. I don't doubt that if I were attacked when alone, or with other men, I wouldn't fight back with violence. I might resist, but not with the goal of hurting my attacker. But what would I do if I were with a woman? My instinct would be to defend her by whatever means necessary. But is that right? Is it a lack of trust in God's protection? Does it shame Christ to protect the helpless? I honestly don't know. This question has crossed my mind countless times, yet remains unresolved, and will probably stay that way. But right now I will defend whoever I am with, because I would rather bear the shame of my sin than see another person suffer because of my inaction.

It was interesting that this question came to mind, because when I returned we did a hostage simulation. Long story short, I gave myself up for execution, along with the other young single in the group. I was amazed at the different ideas as to who should volunteer first. In my mind it was out of the question to let any of the married men or women die first. This brought tension to our group as we argued over who would die, but I wouldn't have allowed it to go down any other way. Darin wouldn't have either. I look forward to processing the whole situation a bit more and talking with David, Jamie, and Molly about it.

Needless to say, all of this is pretty stressful to experience and think about, and it has left an immense heaviness in my chest. I am haunted by the fear that my life has been wasted on selfish pursuits. Please pray for me about all these issues.

Speaking of the team, here is a picture. They are awesome and I can't wait to start ministering with them overseas.

MTI Day 2

2007-01-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

So I didn't get back to the compound until 3:30am yesterday--it made for a long day. We did a basic overview of the SLICE course today, but I was really tired and still a little bored. I'm always a bit critical about stuff like this, but I'm doing my best to remain optimistic. And I do think that in the end this will definitely help me when I get overseas.

I'm helping lead worship, and after our "practice, I talked with Darin Dunn for a long time. He is heading to Thailand in the very near future and loves music and home studio recording as much as I do. He has a lot of cool pictures on his website, but you can also check out some of his music on his MySpace page.

I read through a few of my past posts and decided that I should edit a little better. I hate having errors on here. I suppose I should stop writing so late at night when I'm tired adn I cant' read good.

MTI Day 1

2007-01-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

Here is a one word summary for my first day at Mission Training International: boring. Alright, only the orientation part was boring, the rest was fun...especially dinner. I like food. I'm interested to see what I will be doing for the next three weeks because, honestly, I don't know. Maybe I will be forced to play "get to know yourself", or, "hug your neighbor." I really hope not. I'm definitely not a hugger.

Right now I'm waiting to pick up some people from the airport. Apparently, the weather isn't too great in both Chicago and Dallas, because both flights have been delayed. But, as David texted me, "Derek Webb helps pass time." Indeed. At least they will still be coming close to the same time, so one won't have to wait a long time for the other. Wait, that's not true. I just got a call from the girl in Dallas saying something is wrong with the brakes on her plane. What do they need brakes for, they'll be flying, right?

This would make a killer movie. Let me set the scene for you. Dallas, TX, normally a mild climate this time of year, is hit with a freak ice storm, shutting down all methods of travel. Finally, one plane is ready to leave but...the brakes are frozen. That's right it's "Brakes on a Plane." Coming soon to a theater near you.

I might try to take a quick nap before I leave. I'll update you all soon enough.

Date Safer, Date Smarter

2007-01-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

Every time I log out of MySpace it takes me to one of two pages. One is about finding high school classmates, and says something like, "I can't believe she's a model", and has a picture of a girl with huge glasses and some unflattering sweater on. The other is an ad for a dating service. There are quite a few variations, but today the title was "Date Safer, Date Smarter." Below that it had a picture of an uberhandsome dude and another interesting phrase--"we screen for marrieds and felons." It just caught my eye, that's all, but I'll keep that in mind when I start my dating service. Apparently, people don't want to date marrieds and I felons. I understand the marrieds, but felons need the type of meaningful relationships that dating websites offer too, right?

Good Fortune

2007-01-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

So quite a bit has happened since I last posted. Okay, maybe only Christmas and New Year's Day (and a week or so in between), but I guess that's a lot. Anyway, Christmas was fun. Most of my new step-family was here in town, and we had an enjoyable couple of days. Plus, I got a KT Tunstall cd, some castanets, and a twenty questions ball. Everything you need to survive. Many of my best friends were back in town visiting too, which I love. I can't think of a more enjoyable way to spend my time.

After Christmas I had to start looking forward to New Year's, and preparing for the "Snowy Range Evangelical Free Church No-Talent Talent Show" that would take place on the eve of 2007. Honestly, I was a bit apprehensive going into it. Why, you ask? Let's just say I was playing in an instrumental trio where I was kind of the lead instrument, but we didn't have any singing to cover up my lack of musicianshipness. Oh yeah, and we were playing three songs that have words--Smells Like Teen Spirit, Tainted Love, and Jesus Loves Me (faux jazz version). It turned out to be a lot of fun though. I also got to play a couple of my own songs with djembe accompaniment courtesy of Andy Smith. He did a great job following me even though he had only heard the songs once before (during sound check) and I have a tendency to get nervous and forget how to count to 4. Thank you, Andy.

So, in the last week I have really been trying to focus on support raising, but it has been hard to get in touch with people. On top of that is the looming fear that my mission agency might not let me go to training because I'm so far behind. I still need around $900 dollars per month to get up to 100%. Pray that God will provide miraculously, that's what I'm doing.

But, it seems that things may be taking a turn for the better. Tonight, my step-sister Leslie and her fiance (I hate that word) came over to watch the Cowboys-Seahawks game and brought Chinese food. Obviously, free food is good enough for me, but that wasn't the only blessing tonight. On top of that, the Cowboys lost (by a point), and I got a sweet fortune. It wasn't really a fortune, so much as an affirmation of something I had already suspected was true. It said, "Others look up to you." Hmm. Thank you New Mandarin Chinese restaurant for that little attestation of agreement. I've always suspected that was the case, but now I can be a bit more certain. So, if you see me tomorrow, I'm sure you will notice a new air of confidence, a fresh spring in my step, and that I am exuding a hundred percent pure leadership. Don't try to fight it. The fortune cookie said so.

Dutch Blitzard

2006-12-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

The Ommens (Les and Karen) invited me and the Martins (Dave and Kristen) over for dinner tonight because the Ommens (Andy and Helen) are in town for Christmas (three days ago). Confused? That's alright, now you know how I feel. Anyway, we had my absolute favorite Ommen dinner, some great fellowship, and a heated game of Dutch Blitz. What is Dutch Blitz, you ask? Well, it is only the game that pits husband against wife, and brother against sister in an all out war of cards. It turns friend into foe, and ally into enemy with just a few sinister shuffles. Emotional scars are but minimal wounds when the cards begin moving in all their hellish fury. But seriously, it is fun--even though I'm really slow.

While we were bickering away our lives inside, another six inches of snow accumulated outside...and it's still coming as I write. I really love driving in the snow. Especially at night when no one else is on the road. We'll see how it effects peoples' travel plans, i.e. the Barlows and Ommens (Andy and Helen).

Barlow and I started recording some harmony vocals one of his songs, and tomorrow we will keep adding to it. He is a great writer, singer and guitar players, even though he'll never admit it. I'll try to find some way to post it for you all to hear once we finish it.

And last, but not least, I want to leave you with a list of things that playing Dutch Blitz makes me want to say:

1) Dutch Blintz
2) Wolf Blitzer
3) Dutch Oven
4) #$@*!!!
5) Dutch Boy

Christmas Cheer

2006-12-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas everyone!! I am so full of Christmas cheer that I had to post a "Merry Christmas" message for the whole world. My Christmas Eve went like this:
1. Get up late and go to church.
2. Go to lunch.
3. Practice a few songs to play for some So.B.'s a little way out of town.
4. Play for a bunch of So.B.'s (Southern Baptists) a little way out of town.
5. Open some presents up at the Martins' house (some pimp gloves and a Gaither Homecoming DVD courtesy of Kristi).
6. Go visit the Aegerters, Norris', and Tillards at Julie's house.
7. Finally come home just in time to eat a few sugar cookies and watch the end of a Pink Panther movie.

I think I should stop making fun of Kristi for liking the Gaither Vocal Band (lame!!). I'll have to start making fun of her liking U2 or some other band I would like to have a concert DVD of, even though she doesn't like any good bands. Except Four in the Fire, of course. Just kidding. Anyway, have a good Christmas and eat a lot of food. Who knows when your next meal will come. After all, the Browns are out of town.

Matthew's Begats

2006-12-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a video of me singing "Matthew's Begats" from our Christmas Extravaganza!--Andrew Peterson's "Behold the Lamb of God."

Enjoy.

Bleating Hearts Disease

2006-12-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

Some highlights from tonight's Christmas Extravaganza!:

1) I totally screwed up part of Deliver Us, and I was the only instrument playing at the time (ouch).

2) I sang "Terez" instead of "Perez" in Matthew's Begats.

3) I ran out of breath in Matthew's Begats and stumbled over a few words, causing my accompaniment to stumble. Sorry, guys.

4) Drew nailed So Long, Moses.

5) The sound wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

6) With my beard and dark sweater I looked like part of a face floating around the right side of the stage.

7) My beard was awesome.

8) We actually kind of pulled the whole thing off. Yay!

So, tonight went a lot better than I expected. I taped it, so I'll try to post a song or two for you to watch. If you already own the Andrew Peterson DVD our footage will make you appreciate it all the more. If you don't, maybe this will be a little incentive to go out and buy it.

After the show, a few of us went to a house that our friend Amy is house-sitting. It was a lot of fun. I really like everybody I've met from SROM (Solid Rock Outdoor Ministries), but please don't tell them I've never really been hiking. They would probably kill me...or something. I don't know.

Andy Barlow and his wife, Caitlin, came into town today, so I'm hoping to spend a lot of time with him. Hopefully some of that will be recording some of his sweet new songs. I like songs. And bed. Good night.

A "New Beginning" on "The Morning" "After the Garden"

2006-12-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

Just taking some time to let you know about some good opportunities to hear good music. One of my favorite songwriters, Andrew Osenga, has a couple of songs available for free download right now. They are both off of his newest album "The Morning", which is awesome. To get "After the Garden" just click on the picture thingy right below this.

To download his song "New Beginning", which is also on "The Morning", just put your mouse on these words and push the left button on said mouse.

Also, he is having a Christmas sale. Right now you can buy his album "The Morning" on sale for just $9.99 here.

Behold the Trial

2006-12-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I just got back from a long day of setting up and practicing for our Christmas Extravaganza! Tomorrow night. We were working on it from 8:30 in the morning 'til 6 this evening. A long and frustrating, yet productive day. God will definitely have to help us out. The most frustrating thing about the day was dealing with the sound guy. He doesn't have a very good ear, doesn't want to try to fix things when they're broken, and doesn't want to listen to you when you try to help. That makes for a really bad mix in the monitors and the mains. Not a good combination.

But Andrew, the drummer, improved a ton today. He is a good drummer--he just needed to learn the songs. Especially So Long, Moses; the song that goes in and out of 7/8 and 4/4 time the whole song. There were times where Drew was so tight I actually felt like I was playing along with a CD. Kudos, Drew. You are a Drum man among guitar boys.

I don't know if I ever told you guys, but we are doing Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God for our Christmas concert. It is one of the best pieces of Christian art I've ever seen or heard. He masterfully weaves the thread of redemption through Old Testament history in a way that makes you long for Christ's first advent (which has already passed, obviously). In short, he makes you feel the way the Jews should have felt around the time Christ was born. He was the culmination of everything God had been revealing to them for the last 4,000 years (or so), yet they still missed Him. But, as we know, it was all part of God's great plan to save not just Jews but Gentiles as well (see Ephesians 2). Anyway, I highly recommend both the CD and DVD, "Behold the Lamb of God", but especially the DVD. You can buy online here.

Anywho, I'll post again tomorrow and let you know how it went. If you read this tonight, please pray for us. We really want this to be an opportunity to communicate the Gospel effectively to ourselves and everyone else who is going to come.

Someday, I'll be good...maybe.

2006-12-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

Matthew Perryman Jones. Check him out. He has an out of this world voice and is a fantastic songwriter as well. On top of playing killer solo acoustic and full band shows, he is a member of Nashville's underground superhero network--The Square Peg Alliance.

As you can probably tell, I really enjoyed the MPJ concert last weekend. Dave, Kristen, and Josh came along, and we went to Cold Stone. If I ever get married, it will probably be to a smokin' hot, seven point Calvinist, musically gifted, rich, volleyball player who works at Cold Stone and has really low standards. Other than the concert, there isn't a whole lot of new stuff going on in Mike Gorski's Westworld. Except that I started recording a song I wrote and I am pleased with how it is going. All except the vocals, that is. But I guess that is just something I'll have to learn to live with.

Open Mike

2006-12-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

I thought I would tell everyone how open mic night went this Wednesday. Remember how I was telling you that by participating I was basically setting myself up for failure? Well, that's what happened, only it was my friends' fault, not mine. Josh Rose came into town that afternoon so I was like, "Hey, do you want to play open mic night with me?" and he was like, "Sure." I had already asked Drew Martin to play snare, so we were now three. We would have called ourselves The Three Amigos, but we ended up being four. Dave was the fourth, making me change our name to Gunther Indigo and the Six Stick Hat Trick despite Dave's best effort at calling us The Mike Gorski Trio. Sorry, Dave. Maybe when you have your own talk show.

Anyway, I took some songs over to Drew's house to practice and it was awesome. We gelled together and tightened everything up, and added sweet harmonies (Dave and Josh) and percussion (Dave on shakers). In short, I was really pumped up. I'm serious. It was sounding really good. Then, we actually played at open mic. On top of the usual pitfalls of open mic, we didn't have a music stand, Josh couldn't see my guitar to follow along (he had only heard and played the songs for the first time twenty minutes ago), and I suck at singing. But it all added up to a great time. I love those guys and it was awesome that they came to help me out. Oh yeah, this was the set list (is three songs a set?):

1. 18 miles from Memphis--Stray Cats
2. the King's hand--Mike Gorski
3. Do you feel it tonight--Me, myself, and I

I especially like the third song. Methinks it's the best song I've written so far. If you can call a pop style love song a song, that is. Afterward a girl named Annie Peters kind of invited me to play with her in Denver. She had an amazing voice and was just being nice to me. Actually, I really just invited myself along, like the kid you hated who showed up to your twelfth birthday uninvited. I hated that kid. Back on track now. Annie is a folk singer who wrote a song for Grits. That's right, Grits. I would love to play with her, but I don't think I'll be able to. Thanks though, Annie.

Talking with Annie brought up a lot of insecurities and hopes and dreams that I feel will never be realized. I'll post more on that later. For now, I will only satisfy you with the knowledge that tonight I'm going to see Matthew Perryman Jones and Jonah Werner at Everyday Joe's in Fort Collins. Jealous? I would be. Have a great weekend and don't feel too bad that you aren't going to a sweet concert tonight. Unless, of course, you are.

"This little epiphany went wee, wee, wee..."

2006-12-02T23:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was just plain anxious. All of my friends were either hanging out at a Bible study potluck or recovering from vacation, so I ended up at home. After my Dad and his wife went to the local performance of "The Nutcracker", I was left alone to spice up my evening. And what do you do when you're bored and me? You do something magical and musical, like say, play guitar. Actually, that's the only musical thing I can do, and it's not really very magical. So boredom led me to play through the songs I plan on performing at open mic night this week. Two songs I wrote and a song by the Stray Cats called "Eighteen Miles from Memphis." In doing this I realized a few things. One, I need a lot more practice singing. And two, my singing greatly depends on who I'm singing for and the sound system I'm singing into. Unfortunately, the sound system will be terrible at Coal Creek Coffee on Wednesday night, and I will be singing in front of a bunch of ultra-leftist liberal folkies, who love the fact that I'm exposing myself in front of them (artistically, that is) but hate that I am a Christian. Sounds like a recipe for success, right? Okay, maybe not, but I'm going to hack it out anyway and hope that someday they will find someone who can do something as simple as balance a voice and a guitar in one monitor and the mains. I digress. Wednesday night, Coal Creek Coffee, 8 o'clock-ish. Be there or be square.

Back to my exciting Saturday evening. I finished going through my songs, knowing that I'm almost certainly setting myself up for failure, and then headed to The Grounds to read a bit. My friend Jason was working and it was great to see him, even if it was only a bit of chit chat. White hot chocolate in hand, I sat down and opened my Bible to Ephesians. I have been "studying" it lately and so I reread chapter one over and over. A few thoughts came to mind while reading, and I hope to be disciplined enough to meditate on them further in the next couple of days. First, the doctrine of election is beautiful, not just because it is neatly packaged and logical, but because it is beautiful to God. I'm inferring this from reading the apostle Paul's descriptions of it in the first half of Ephesians chapter one.

"3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. 11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."

Election is not arbitrary or emotionless on God's part. On the contrary, our adoption is "in love" (v. 4-5), and "to the praise of his glorious grace" (v. 6). Our election and consequent redemption is "according to the riches of his grace" (v. 7), "which he lavished upon us" (v. 8). God doesn't just predestine just because he has to. He predestines because he loves us, and displays "the riches of his grace" (v. 7) through that. So, the next time I think of election as just being the U in T.U.L.I.P., I need to be convicted and look at election the way Paul did.

The second little epiphany I had while reading tonight was that I don't really believe that God is as powerful as He is. Verses 19 and 20 showed me that. "...what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places." The Christian's assurance for every part of life--physical, emotional, spiritual--is wrapped up in the word "immeasurable." Do I live my life like these verses are actually true? Do I trust that God is as powerful as He says He is? In a word, no. If I did, then when life overwhelms me I would know that this is the power available to me. When doubt assails my soul, I would remember that the same loving Father who raised His only begotten Son from the dead will raise me, His adopted son, as well. The resurrected Christ would be my proof that God can save the worst sinners and the greatest of hypocrites like me. This should drastically change how I look at the world. It should change how I live, how I pray. But first and foremost, it should fundamentally change how I think about God. He isn't just an old man with a beard, who only interacts with me abstractly through books written by dead people (inspired like paul or Puritan like Owen). He isn't only concerned with giving me a right intellectual understanding to prepare me for heaven. Rather, He desires that I know and rely on the immeasurable greatness of His power right here and now, in this present life. John Paton, the great missionary to the New Hebrides ( think Survivor: Vanuatu), said, "I'm invincible until God says otherwise." Now there is a man who rightly understood God's power.

More rambling. I just made you appreciate your Pastor or favorite author so much more. You're welcome and good night.

Top Ten Things Not to Tell Your Support Coach

2006-11-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I posted the fake "Dear Jane" letter that I sent to my support coach Chris. Apparently it was a bit too realistic. This morning I awoke to an email and voice mail message from Chris asking about the message and whether or not I was serious. I called her to clear the air and let her know that I she is still the coolest (and only) support I've ever had, and that I am not abandoning her. After all, who could leave the support coach who thought this picture was hilarious:

Clearly, she has a great sense of humor. Unfortunately for her, it just wasn't as finely tuned as it needed to be when she got my email at 7:30 this morning. Next time I will make everything a lot more clear for her. Sorry Chris.

Tonight I thought that I would lighten things up a bit by posting Letterman's Top Ten List from last night. My Dad and I were busting up until they got to about the top two. That's the way the Top Ten List is though--number one is always the least funny. Here it is:

Top Ten Shows On The New Gay Television Channel

10. "How I Met Your Brother"

9. "Gary's Anatomy"

8. "Desperate Poolboys"

7. "Everybody Loves Raymond...Especially Steve"

6. "The King Of Queens"

5. "Not-So-Smallville"

4. "I Dream Of Gene"

3. "Gays Of Our Lives"

2. "My Name Is Earl And I Like Construction Workers"

1. "His Deal Or No Deal"

Not politically correct, but one hundred percent hilarious. Good Night.

My first Dear Jane letter

2006-11-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had write my first Dear Jane letter. It wasn't easy to write, and it is definitely not easy to share with all of you, but I feel the need to be transparent with all my faithful readers. I wrote it to my now Ex-Support Coach, Chris. Here it is:

Dear Chris,

We have had some great times together, and you are much of the reason why I am as far along in the support raising process as I am. But tonight you said some hard things, and asked me to do some stuff that I am not particularly comfortable with. When we finished talking I just didn't have peace about sending out letters to all of my remaining contacts, so I went to my friends' house to talk about it. God is sovereign and good. My friend Jeff has quite a bit of experience and family history in missions, and apparently God brought us together for a reason, even if just for this night. For it seems that not only does Jeff possess missional knowledge, but other members of his family do as well.

So, I regret to inform you that I have found a new support coach. I know that in time you will forgive me and understand why I had to make this difficult decision. My new coach is Ben Brown. He is five years old and he goes to Beitel Elementary--the same school I attended. As I mentioned before, after hanging up with you tonight, I just didn't have peace about what you asked me to do tomorrow. I was explaining your demand to the Browns at dinner when Ben interjected. He said, "That sounds like a lame job. Don't do it anyways." I was floored. It was as if God's Spirit were speaking through Ben, his words nourishing my soul and guiding me like a pillar of smoke or of fire. I could barely muster a response, but I managed to say, "Ben, the LORD God has truly blessed you with an unmatched wisdom that is beyond your years. Surely you are the people and wisdom will die with you."

I know what you are thinking. You wish that Ben would have been alive when you started raising support. You are thinking of all the hours of sleep, streams of tears, and cartons of ice cream that could have been saved if only you had known of this Ben Brown years ago. Be comforted--God is the God of all comfort (2 Cor 1:3). Know that, "...for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) And, "...He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:6) Please don't look on me with ill favor just because of the advantage that God has given me. "Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonorable use?" (Rom 9:21)

My sincere hope is that this will not change our relationship at all. In fact, I think it will only make our friendship stronger. And I want to continue talking at our usual weekly time, so please keep it open. That is, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Blessings in Christ,
Mike Gorski

Who couldn't forgive this guy!

Quick Thoughts on Good Intentions

2006-11-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, I recently promised to find a certain quote from a Kierkegaard essay and this time I pulled through. The essay is called "To Will One Thing", and I was reading it at a very crucial time. While living in North Carolina, I was faced with the dilemma of trying to find a job without the usual connections from Church. Before that time, I had never interviewed for a job. In fact, I hadn't really ever looked for a job--they always managed to find me. Obviously, the job-hunting process was very foreign to me, but my shyness and anxiety in new situations made the process increasingly awkward. With each unsuccessful attempt at employment I lost a bit more of my motivation to continue on. You get the picture, it basically sucked. But throughout this period, I held on to one thing--the fact that even though I couldn't get a job, I still really wanted one.

Enter Kierkegaard. What a jerk.

I was gracious enough to read his essays, even though he isn't even alive, yet within the first pages of the first essay he was exposing my utter loserliness. There I sat at 3 Cups on Franklin St., drinking peppermint tea and telling myself, "Well self, at least you want to get a job. That's way better than being a deadbeat who doesn't want to work." Then I read this: "This much is certain: the greatest thing each person can do is to give himself to God utterly and unconditionally--weaknesses, fears, and all. For God loves obedience more than good intentions or second-best offerings, which are all too often made under the guise of weakness."

At that time, I was completely defrauded. My front of desiring to get a job could no longer blind my conscience. Before reading this, I applied for jobs with these caveats--"I'm just learning this process, it takes time and practice so I might as well ease into it"; "God knows my personality and that this doesn't come to me naturally"; "I've never lived in a city before, so I need to get used to it." But these were just excuses. I thought it was good enough to acknowledge my weaknesses and half-heartedly pursue my desires, and that God would turn all those weak ingredients into some kind of casserole that still tastes good even though it's just a bunch of random crap. Kierkegaard showed me that my attitude should be to give all of myself to God, including my shortcomings. And knowing that if I'm obedient despite my weaknesses, God will be more glorified than if I just say, "Well, God, I wanted to try. And that's what counts, right?"

Must...defy...laws of...physics!!!

2006-11-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

In light of my last science hating post, I felt obligated to share a story from my amazingly...amazing life. I have been battling a cold (much like The Tick did once), and so I spent the day lounging around watching movies and TV. I rented "Bottlerocket", then happened upon an episode of The Tick. I love that cartoon. It's keen. Anyway, in the episode I watched, Tick reached into a black hole to pull out a doomsday device. While extending himself into the hole he said, "Must...defy...the laws...of...physics." To make a long story short, he was successful, and thus saved the universe. He also defeated the ever-intimidating infinity ball, which looks a lot like an 8-ball turned on it's side. Well, I better get some rest for tomorrow. Spoon!!!

Hi, I'm Mike...

2006-11-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

Wow. It has been a long time, and I'm sure you have all completely given up on me ever blogging again. So, here is the one sentence recap of the last couple months. I'm still working at the gym (though recently cut down to two days a week) and raising support (I'm pretty far behind, please pray) while staying active in church through music, bible study and co-producing a Christmas extravaganza, all while staying sane by playing volleyball (and traveling to my first tournament) and writing songs. Whew. That was actually pretty complete. If you throw in a couple of movies, a lot of free meals, and season three of Arrested Development it would almost be a video blog--minus the video part. I guess you'll have to wait until my reality show starts. Patience.

I just got back from Bible study and a very long and interesting conversation about science. In case you didn't know, I think that science as we know it is completely bogus. That's where this other guy and I basically disagreed. We argued about it for at least a couple of hours and got nowhere except he got to hear me say that I don't believe in gravity. Then, he heard what I think is an equally plausible explanation for things dropping to the ground, namely, little tiny bugs that you can't see or feel, that are always pulling things down to the ground, so when you let go of something they finally succeed. Just so you know, I don't actually believe that. Maybe I'll post about it in more detail some other time. I'm a regular Mr. Wizard.

Support raising has been really hard for me the past few months. I've been kind of paralyzed by fear, and I think I stumbled upon a habitual sin of mine when thinking about it today. I'm paralyzed by a sort of lazy inertia. An object at rest stays at rest, right? I know, the guy who hates science just used a science analogy. So what, I'm a hypocrite. Anyway, I think the main reason I struggle with doing new or different things is that I'm just afraid to jump out there and do it. With raising support, I know I am doing it for a worthwhile cause, and that God is glorified even in the process. But since it is different, I have to constantly battle to go do it. With dating, girls, marriage, and all that stuff, I know I want that and even lust after the future possibility of a family, but I am completely unwilling to interact with the opposite sex (does anyone know a good mail order service?). It all brings up something that a Kierkegaard essay illumined for me last spring. The essay showed me that to have good intentions isn't enough. You can't say "I want to glorify God by getting a job and serving Him in that position." God is not glorified in intentions when they don't lead to something greater. I will find the actual quote I have in mind and post more on it tomorrow, but for now I will leave you with this one. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." It reminds me of what Christ said in Matthew 7,

21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?' 23 And then will I declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'" Whoa. The road to hell really is paved with good intentions.

This is hilarious!

2006-09-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

I found a way to post that Dave Barnes video, so here it is. Enjoy.

Barnes and Ignoble

2006-09-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

I've been having trouble getting up lately, and struggling with a little loneliness and depression. It is amazing how your general mood has an effect on everything you do and encounter. For instance, today I wasn't in the most spirited frame of mind. So, when I tried to go to my friend Julie's house for dinner and tupperware sales/support spiel, and she wasn't there, I about flew off the hook. Every possible self-righteous thought you could have popped into my head--"I took time out of my busy schedule of really important things I never get done to come here for dinner and she isn't even here. What's the point in even planning...blah, blah"--while every terrible thought about her came into mind--"She's just like everyone else, she doesn't care about me at all and only lets me down...." I was a stuck in a fury of emotion and rediculous ideas, and somehow blinded to that fact. I guess I really wanted to be pissed off and ignore any possibilities for excuse, just so I could wallow in self pity. You can imagine how I felt when I got a phone call from Julie at about 9:30 (on the phone that hasn't worked once all day, yet this time was clear as a whistle), saying that we're still on for dinner tommorow night.

I'm a freakin' idiot. Seriously. Granted, we really were supposed to have dinner tonight, but does that matter? God really humbled me and showed my sin of feeling sorry for myself.

Also, I have been getting a ton of laughs from a video on Dave Barnes' myspace site. Click on the link and watch the video that is on top of the other video. It's hilarious. His music is really cool too, so make sure you listen to the songs he has posted while you're there. He has a really great vibe and voice.

Catch Up

2006-09-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I forgot to post after last weekend's festival of music/Dalits (don't worry I'll catch you up in the following paragraphs). To those of you who have been waiting for my recap with the same intense longing as I have been waiting for my box of Andrew Peterson CD's and computer memory--I'm sorry. There you have it, straight from the horse's mouth.

Anyway, last weekend was awesome. It started in Fort Collins Thursday night with a solo Andrew Osenga show at a coffee shop called Everyday Joe's. It was a really cool venue. Andy had a rough start but found the groove early on to give us all an enjoyable show. He is one of my absolute favorite singer/songwriters. He just communicates emotion so well--"These days they are a river, and we're all floating down/Every loved one, every neighbor, in Tennesee, in my hometown/So let us not take this for granted, let us not waste this second hand/So let your love rage like a lion, and let your heart break like a lamb." Dang. Seriously, though, if you ever get the chance to see Andy (or any of the other Square Pegs) don't miss it. Andy opened up for some crappy piano band man from Fort Collins. Man this world is bass-ackwards. So, after the show I went to Cold Stone with the Hubers, who showed up late for the show but made up for it by eating ice cream with me, thus getting me out of hearing a crappy piano band. Then, I drove home.

On Friday, I drove to Denver with Josh Rose, three high school kids from Riverton, and Cari Dittus to see Caedmon's Call. One of the high school kids was Presbyterian. That's cool. So we made it there in time to grab a Philly cheese steak at Large Marge's, then get sweet seats for the best concert I have ever been to. Caedmon's was great, plus their opener, Mandy Mann, had one of the best voices I've ever heard. Seriously, she has a beautiful voice. You should check her out, but know that the recording is like a 40 watt bulb and her voice is like the Sun. I thought my retina were burning just from listening. After the show, I got to talk to Andy Osenga for awhile about gear and he gave me some great advice that will save me money in the long run. The rest of the night was spent on Erich and Maureen Kirsch's couch resting up for the next day's Dalit Freedom Festival.

Basically, the Dalit Freedom Festival explained the plight of the below caste people in India, and how Caedmon's has partnered with the Dalit Freedom Networkto bring the gospel and social justice to these people. The short of it is that the Dalits are the "untouchables" you have read about in National Geographic. There are 300 million of them and they have been severely oppressed by Hinduism for about 3000 years. DFN is working to give their children a quality education and work to completely abolish the caste system. For more info, go to their website. They can tell you so much more than I ever could. After the freedom fest, we drove home, but not before stopping at Cold Stone in Fort Collins. If you can't tell, I REALLY like cold stone...a lot.

Before I sign off for tonight, I'll leave you with this link to a post on the Common Grounds Blog. This kind of makes me sick. You'll understand why when you read it. It's about how many President's/CEO's of Christian relief organizations make over 100K a year, or maybe better put, how shockingly few of the top 200 make less than 100K a year. But, who knows what they do with all that money? Maybe they store up treasure in heaven by giving it away. Or maybe they're just a bunch of hypocrites who drive luxury cars and have diamonds on the bottom of their shoes. I really hope not.

Holy Ghost Healing Miracle Tongues Revival

2006-09-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from helping lead worship for a 'Revival' week at a small Southern Baptist Church in Wheatland, WY. It stirred up a few thoughts/observations.

First, Southern Baptists love 'Revival' meetings, and I don't quite understand it yet. From what I can tell, they are meetings where a speaker from somewhere else in the country, preferably someone in the Southern Baptist circuit, comes and tells your church not to be stuck in traditions. This is hard for me since I leave every one of these meetings thinking, "My church isn't stuck in tradition. In fact, my church desires to constantly change to reflect the culture of our members." But, from the Southern Baptist Churches I have seen in Wyoming, they do need to break out of the traditional Southern Baptist mold a bit more than they are doing now. Like, when you put 'Revival Week' on your church sign, don't expect the whole town to show up. Only Christian and non-Christian Southern Baptists will come.

The need for change brings up my second thought/observation/question. If the Pastors of these churches are godly men who are focused on preaching the bible, why do their congregations have such a hard time maturing? And another related question, why do we generally become less willing to change as we get older? I look at a lot of the old people in my church and am so thankful that they are an integral part of my church's mostly college-aged congregation. These people have been moldable and let God use them to minister to people outside of their original culture. That is how I want to age. I don't want to be stuck thinking I'm right just because that is the way I've always thought about a certain practical issue, like music.

Third, I'm pumped for this weekend. It is going to (folk) rock! I'm going to see Andrew Osenga in Fort Collins on Thursday night, then Caedmon's Call in Denver on Friday night, followed by some kind of workshop led by the band on Saturday. Again, I can't tell how much fun it will be. Anyway, I better get to bed. It's midnight and I have to work tomorrow.

Let's get to know each other...again.

2006-09-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been a couple of days (weeks) since I last posted. I haven't been up to a whole lot, but I have been busy at the same time. One of those periods of time where you are swamped and in a hurry to do eveything, yet you don't really get anything done. I hope you all have gone to freederekwebb.com to download 'Mockingbird' for free. I can't tell you how good it is. So good, in fact, that I might listen to it when I go to bed tonight.

In other news, as if if I gave you any in the previous paragraph, I am preaching tomorrow night at my church. I'm really nervous because I've never preached a Sunday message to more than ten people. Also, tomorrow it will just be the worship leader and I leading music with two acoustic guitars, which I love. It is easy to get lost in a whole band every week. Sometimes simplicity does a lot to refocus us. It's like getting a haircut--a bit of change really brings out what you liked and didn't like about your cut before. It brings perspective.

I have been reading quite a bit of Hemingway lately. Let me tell you, do not--I repeat, do not--read Hemingway if you are depressed. I think only two or three of all the stories I've read have had endings that aren't really depressing, and those few weren't necessarily happy endings, either. But, he is such a great writer. He conveys the thoughts, feelings, and intents of all his characters so well, and the characters themselves are so real. They aren't fluffy, always happy or always sad types, but very realistic. In this age of entertainment it is too easy to fall prey to superhero characters who are rock solid in every way. It is refreshing to see someone struggle the same way I do, even if they are a figment of some dead guy's imagination.

Well, I better get to bed. I promise to post more in the next couple of days--I've got a lot to write about. And if you want a copy of my sermon (to use as a coaster or pick apart) let me know and I will either email or send it to you. Oh yeah, and if you want a copy of Derek Webb's cd 'Mockingbird', then go to freederekwebb.com.

M.C. Hammer the Prophet?

2006-08-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

So I've got something I've been meaning to post for a while, but events today just added to guilt of not already writing about, so here goes. Basically this post is just a testimony to God's faithfulness in answering prayer. I hope that it encourages you even just a fraction of what experiencing the actual answered prayers has for me. God is good and gives us all good things; and He only gives us what is best for us. Period. So, here begins the list of answered prayer in the last month or so.

1. God has been providing for me financially in very great and humbling ways. I began praying that God would help me to get rid of my debt on top of raising support for the mission field, and He is actually doing it. He gave me a huge amount (huge to me and the couple that gave it, at least) through a couple who were themselves just beginning on a faith filled journey. They gave me the money specifically for my debt. Amen. Also, God has begun to provide for my trip to Spain as well. Just tonight I talked with a couple who want to support me monthly--despite my poor presentation of what I'll be doing, etc...

2. God provided jobs for two very good friends of mine who were just married and moved off to seminary. You would think it might be a bit difficult for a teacher to get hired a few weeks before school starts, right? Well, God is even Sovereign over school districts, no matter what those flaming Armos say.

3. God sold my friends Dave and Kristen Martin's house.

4. God brought a friend of mine who has been out of church for years and years back to church. Now I pray that the fruit of this will show up in my friend's life, especially in the form of joy.

5. Today, I got to catch up with a friend who I care a great deal for but haven't seen in a long time. She has had a rough go of it the past few years, but is seemingly experiencing a bit of green pasture again. A great husband, beautiful daughter, baby boy on the way. But the greatest thing is that she has been praying for God to show her something more about Himself. I happened to be the instrument that God used to answer her prayer. We talked about the Bible and Christ's sacrificde for quite a while. We talked about why the doctrine of justification is so freeing. We don't have to try to work our way to heaven, and we would never be able to anyway. The righteous life has been lived by Christ himself, and that righteousness is imputed to us. But we still have motivation to grow in likeness to Christ, as we demonstrate our love for Him by ungrudgingly keeping His commandments continuing to die to the old man by living in the new man God has made us.

Anyway, I'm sure this isn't everything, but God has used these especially to remind me that He is working to answer prayer. He is personally involved in our lives and concerned with our welfare, even when we forget about Him in our near-sightedness. Even when the temporal so overwhelms and engulfs us that we can only think of earthly comforts and circumstances, God is there, moving every atom to bring us closer to Himself. He is in everything and every situation, demonstrating His immense love for us despite our lack of regard for Him.

God help me not to forget to see your loving hand in everything--be it physical, emotional, enjoyable, painful, special, or common. And should I forget, thank you for always working to repeatedly re-open my eyes to that truth. Amen.

Joseph Smith Meets Mike and Mike

2006-08-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a half day at work because, well, we are just running out of things to do. So, I went to the bank then headed to my Mom's house to see if she wanted to catch some lunch. On the way there I ran into a guy from my church named Mike (great name), who just happened to be on his way to do a little street evangelism at the University. It turned out my Mom couldn't do lunch so I went evangelizing with Mike--very cool, very fun, very encouraging.

First of all, Mike is very eloquent and a gifted evangelist. I, on the other hand, am very shy and easily frustrated during street evangelism. We ran into a couple of ex-mormon missionaries who knew all the tricks of the trade, side-stepping every question they could with other questions, which is a very common problem for lost sinners who don't want to see themselves for who they really are in the mirror of God's word. Mike took all this in stride, finally bringing them back to the key issues of sin and salvation in Christ alone. Of course, they dodged this and took off, but I am really thankful that God was able to use this encounter for His glory. They put so much stock in the 'impressions' that 'God' gives them. They don't care about logic and reason. They really don't believe that "...all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god". They really want to do everything they can to save themselves, and then Christ can finish what's leftover.

As a believer this astounds me. How can they keep believing these things and claim to have the Holy Spirit? They must feel a terrible amount of guilt and conviction every time they sin, knowing that they must not have truly repented and therefore are not forgiven. Any person who reads the Bible and honestly looks in their heart must admit that they are a filthy sinner and always will be until God finally changes them at death. If you don't see these things, then you are lying to yourself and ignoring what the Bible says.

DW Day: 10 Days and Counting...

2006-08-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Just letting you know that Derek Webb's latest album, "Mockingbird", will be available for download on September 1st. Oh yeah, and did I mention that it's FREE? Just go to www.freederekwebb.com on Sep. 1st to enjoy the goodness. This album is a bit controversial, very thought provoking, and a great way to start addressing some of the sins that plague American Christianity. When you download the album, please join the discussion there as well. These are things we all need to talk about if we are going to grow as Christians and come to biblical, orthodox convictions in these areas.

"Can't stand ya'!!"

2006-08-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

I just finished putting together my first batch of support letters. I feel like George Costanza's ex-fiance Susan, who died from licking all the envelopes for their wedding invitations. I licked too many envelopes. I hope I don't die. In other news I cut myself with a saw and stabbed myself with a rogue screw today at work. Fun stuff. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit less exciting.

Right now my Dad's girlfriend is watching "Murder by Numbers" on AMC. It has given me a new idea--"Support Raising by Numbers". Who says you have to know the people supporting you? Tomorrow I am going to start finding random names on the internet and sending them support letters. It will be a sort of modern day money raising urim and thummin. So, if you randomly found my blog and are reading it, excpect a letter in about a week, then a phone call soon after. And make checks payable to World Harvest Mission.

Today was (is) a great day...

2006-08-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

So today has been a great day. I haven't fully achieved any of the goals that I set this morning, but it rocks all the same. I spent a good portion of this morning sleeping, then I had a chance to catch up with an old friend. Subsequent attempts to catch up with other old friends were unsuccessful, but hey, not everybody can be home at once. Next, I rolled down to the coffee shop where read and thought a lot about James 1. God is really using that book to show me my sin, and for that I am grateful. I have needed that for a while. I have spent the rest of the afternoon locked away in my home "studio" recording a song. I'm not nearly done with it, but by the end I think it will really rock. Right now I'm sitting in front of my computer typing this to the five people (I like to be optimistic) who read my blog, which is giving the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese in my stomach a little time to digest. Plus, the longer I stay out the the studio, the less it will smell like McDonalds when I'm done.

Back into the dungeon...