WHY AM I WRITING ON THE INTERNET, AND WHO CARES, ANYWAY?
I think that deep down, my blog exposed somethings about me that I didn't particularly like seeing. In a post from the distant past, I talked about having a bit of a superhero complex. Oddly, I often find myself fantasizing about various situations in which I do, or say, the perfect thing that ends up saving the day. Many people don't think that this is very serious, but my time working with the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners, aka WHM, taught me that such fantasizing is spiritual treason. After all, why do I so rarely fantasize about God saving the day?
Anyway, all this spills over into my adventures in the interweb. In theory, my blog started out as a way to stay in communication with people back home when I left for Spain about five or six years ago. That was very honest and innocent, but, because of the aforementioned sinful tendency that I have, there was always a fear that I was using it to stroke my superhero complex. Sort of a way to write and pretend that I was one of those really great bloggers (like Tim Challies), but with the safety of knowing that nobody actually read or cared about what I was writing.
All this led me to pose myself the question, "Who cares anyway?" I mean, why should anyone care what I think about anything? Mike Gorski is just an average person who does everything...well, average. Interestingly enough, this is linked to another sinful fear of mine, that I'll never be good enough at anything to be useful. When I read the most interesting books or blogs, or hear great sermons, I'm often convinced that the reason the person was so compelling is because they are so naturally gifted, and I am not, nor will I ever be endowed with such natural abilities. Of course, there is some truth here. Most people aren't in the habit of reading books written by freshman in college, and for good reason. But, my sin nature would again take a half-truth and pervert it into a seemingly stronger imitation of a full-truth.
At the heart of my not writing for fear that I'm not smart enough to please other people is the sin of people-pleasing and approval seeking. Again, there are many who read those sins and think, "That's nothing! It's not like you were tempted to put naked pictures of yourself on your blog!" However, these are root sins, not surface sins.--sins that permeate everything that I do and every interaction I have. I'm constantly struggling with pleasing people and convincing them to either like me or say good things about me. So, of all the unfinished posts I have on my computer, they all have one thing in common--I stopped writing because I was scared someone would read it and think or say something bad about me, or the opposite, I wrote it to make myself look good, smart, and lovable.
LIFE JUST GOT TOO BUSY
Sadly, for the blog, life just got too busy and hard to keep writing. As a family, we faced a lot of trials, and for me, those were all mixed up with my cross-cultural struggles in France. Everything is harder when you live in another country. EVERYTHING. And the truth of the matter is that I didn't face my trials with the spiritual strength I should have. In fact, probably the greatest lesson I learned in all those difficulties, is that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, and I was entirely self-sufficient in my walk with God. God's word being true, as it is, reminded me that God would never put me in a situation where my only recourse was to respond sinfully (1 Cor 10:13), but the bitterness I carried away with me from France revealed that Christ had not been my hope and ever-present Lord in my trials. Just the right idea.
And now, here I am in seminary at The WEST Institute, getting a full, two-year master's degree in one year, while trying to start a Spanish ministry in the church, take care of my family, and manage our apartment complex. Needless to say, I'm busy. Busier than I've ever been, and we can definitely all feel it. But, I'm back in the blogging saddle now, and hoping to write some short observations about our current life, like the fact that in the past year I've put on about thirty pounds. #fattyfatfat Oh wait, this isn't twitter.
If you happen to stumble upon my little corner of the net, I hope you enjoy it. But even if no one ends up reading it again...here I go.
Soli Deo Gloria